Summer

Friday, 3 July 2015

Control is complicated!

Don't tell me what to do, but you better listen to me! Isn't control one of the biggest ironies in life?  I don't think anyone likes to be controlled, but yet we do it and can't see when we do it and certainly wouldn't admit we do it!!  We let ourselves off the hook by calling it, hmmmm, let's see....helping, suggesting, counseling or better yet, providing guidance, and what a fine line it is between control and guidance.  When someone doesn't ask for help you can call it whatever you want, but it's still control and it's a lesson that repeats itself over and over again in so many different ways.  I grew up with two extremes, a father who wasn't an active part of my life and then passed away when I was fourteen, and a mother that thought controlling me right down to who I was allowed to be friends with, was for my own good.

As I get older I actually find it a more challenging lesson.  I have wisdom that continues to grow and I want to share it by telling others what to do!  Now I'm in a relationship with a man who has three sons at home that are not young children anymore.  They are all science minded and even though dad has faith, it's not the same as mine.  Can you blame him when he has suffered the loss of his wife and is dealing with his eldest having cancer that has resurfaced, something I can't possibly relate to.  He can't stop asking why.  Why would God do this?...but he still continues to pray.

I'm not only a woman, a woman surrounded by all guys. A woman with different beliefs and a woman that never had kids!  Talk about a lesson!  Even with all this wisdom I have gained, haven't I tried to tell him what to do over and over again.  There's an upside to this wisdom, I gained more awareness and eventually caught myself, but it's taking time to exercise this form of control...a work in progress.  I still haven't connected to his sons as much as I'd like to and that will take time given what they have and what they are going thru, I have no control over that.  Poor dad has suffered most from my 'guidance' as I tried many times to 'help' him. Through this relationship I now know what it feels like for parents to want to tell their kids what to do, but step back and let them figure stuff out for themselves.  It's amazing that if you are meant to learn certain lessons, you will, regardless if you made different choices in life, like myself, by not having kids,

How difficult it has also been to stop continuously telling him counseling might help.  Not only can't I try to 'counsel' them, I can't keep 'suggesting' they get counseling.  So I did what I have done before, set up counseling for myself to help me deal with the unknowns I am faced with and how to cope.  Years ago, as I was dealing with my marriage falling apart, I didn't find a few sessions automatically fixed everything, but I know now it opened me up to receive, which led to me figuring things out in my own time.  My favorite counseling is spiritual through readings where I get advice from my guides and family on the other side, but that's enjoyable and easier because mostly I just sit and listen.  With a counsellor I have to be vulnerable and do the talking.  

You know how I said guidance and control is a fine line? Didn't my closest girlfriend 'suggest' counseling years ago?  Did I go?  No.  What I did was open up and tell her my struggles, which was really a cry for help and she threw me a life preserver.  Eventually I grabbed hold of it and went when I was ready.  I remember at my last session the counsellor was almost disappointed it was over as she wanted to know what was going to happen with me.  Well it's four years later and she's about to find out!  I know I'm ready when I'm a bit nervous, but looking forward to it at the same time.  I have it all under control....hahahaha.

Sunday, 26 April 2015

Dad, I'll go to Auschwitz one day.

I'll say it again... life has been busy for many of us, but if we really want to do something that matters to us, we find a moment....eventually.

After many months I returned to Stacey, my spiritual counsellor and my connection to my father on the other side.  Although he handed the platform over to my boyfriend's late wife, which I have to say was much more than I could have imagined, thank you for your help, he had a few words to pass on and one special message...

"I have one request, it doesn't have to be now, but at some point think about the trip you need to take to Auschwitz and Hungary.  You're going to discover a lot. You will find out stuff about family and I need you to experience this. I know you don't feel you have enough information to go on, but I will help you make connections along the path and one thing will lead to another to another.  You're extremely intuitive so you'll go to at least one of these destinations and have visions and you'll know and you'll feel me.  I will be with you. It'll be the first time in your physical life where you will come back and say...I truly felt a being beside me, it was cold and I felt a warm body next to me and I knew it was my dad.

I understand you've been sidetracked of late, but I need you to say one day you will go and mean it.  This is about family history and I need you to know and find out about things, things that will help settle your heart.  This is part of your journey and I don't want you to lose sight of a journey you know you need to complete."

Thanks dad and as you said, I love and adore you and I too wish that you could come and give me hugs, but maybe that wish will come true when I go on this journey and step on the ground of the concentration camp where you spent time as a young boy and where your father was murdered.  I can't even imagine what that was like, alone and afraid in a horrific place.  I will go one day, I mean it...xoxo

Saturday, 11 April 2015

The journey continues....

It's been awhile since I've written and I've missed it.  I've asked myself why I've had no inspiration to write, but I really have no idea.  Life has been busy for many of us, but if we really want to do something that matters to us, we find a moment....eventually.

Over the past few years I've spent a large portion of my time looking after me, manifesting what I want, it is time to give back.  My mother's health has been deteriorating, but mentally and spiritually, she is grand.  She is elated that her dream has come true, her daughter has met a wonderful man with sons, she's always wanted me to be part of a family, never having kids of my own.  Our love continues to grow stronger every day and we've had our share of struggles in only six months time.  I stand by him, providing support as one son begins treatment, cancer has moved to another part of his body, as I help my mother through her struggles.  

'You're a faith builder', is how a dear friend described where my journey has taken me. Without preaching, I have been doing my best to help my mother and my partner through their hardships, while also trying to maintain balance.  Without ever being educated in religion, I also have no idea how my faith grew as strong as it has, but it doesn't matter, it's comes from my heart. Reflecting over the past almost fifty years, the only proof I need...my faith has helped me live a more peaceful life over the past few years and now I have someone to share it with.  We have found each other and we're not letting go, no matter what comes our way. Every challenge has brought us closer and we face each one, united.  I have been on the other side, facing abandonment when things got tough.  It takes two people to work at a relationship and when both are unwillingly to fight for each other one of two things will happen...stay stuck or move on.  

I learned from the past, I will continue to learn in the future.  With respect to relationships, the most important things I have learned, is to be with someone that is willing to learn together and to be as grateful as I am to have one another.  Thank you God for all the struggles, that I never gave up and for the strength to be there for others.  Thank you for bringing us together once we learned what we needed to, so that we can continue this journey together.  

Happy Anniversary baby.

Saturday, 28 February 2015

Exercise your faith.

Asking is only half the equation, I believe it is extremely important to be thankful when you receive.  True faith is being grateful even through the hardest times, it's when your faith is being tested to the hilt.  Do you give up or do you continue to believe?  I didn't always feel this way and I certainly wasn't brought up in a family that taught me this, but now I am teaching my mother.  I still have to give my head a shake when she tells me this, as it's taken all these years to get here.  We both awakened...but only less than ten years ago.  I learned in the past years she has believed in God and prayed, but she wasn't thankful on a continual basis.  I don't know if I'm being accurate, but to me it feels like you block off the flow of energy when you don't complete the cycle.

Then there are those that speak the words, saying such things as God is good, only after spewing negativity towards others.  No wonder why more and more people choose not to believe. Although it can be frustrating, I walk my own path and I've been fortunate to have a friend be a mentor on what true faith is all about.

I was watching an episode of the Help Desk and was amazed to hear the advice being given was what I've been practicing for a few years.  When getting ready for work I say daily prayers, not only for myself but for loved ones and for the people at my workplace.  In this program they spoke of how you need to prepare the energies before you arrive at work.  A place where you interact with so many, everyone going through something in their lives and a place that needs the help of those who have awakened.  I feel so much better giving this way.  It's so simple, by putting out this positive energy while I get ready for work, drive to work and as I walk into the building, I'm not even having to put extra time aside to accomplish this task.

What I have had to do is exercise patience, stay dedicated and never give up.  It has taken a long time and sure, we all have our ups and downs, but generally I feel as though I am in sync and flowing with the Universe.  Once you awaken, you can never go back to sleep, so keep on exercising!

Monday, 16 February 2015

Over and over and over again!

Overthinking, overanalyze, overreact, overdo, overboard, overcompensate, overdose, who wants to be over anything?  By the way, who wears overalls anymore?  Now if you use over on it's own...getting over it, getting over the past, and waking up with love in your heart over and over again, now that's my kinda over.

It was a challenging week and because of communication and resolution, he then said..'we overthink everything'.  So very true, but I love that we are cut from the same cloth.  When concerns arise, taking a step back to think is required, but don't wait too long to find that right moment and then get it out.  I'm in the process of not overthinking, it'll drive me nuts and keep me from getting my beauty rest!  Internalizing those thoughts for days on end will not bring resolution, in fact it's a breeding ground for disease.

I am learning as a woman we want to express ourselves immediately and men need to be left alone to process.  By understanding how a man deals with conflict, I am finding a way to convey the message without accusing and passing judgement, trying my best not to overdo it, trying being the operative word! Then, like a man, I'm allowing those words to be processed until it is time for resolution.  What is happening is a mutual understanding of each other's feelings and the feeling is euphoric and incredibly rewarding on an emotional level, followed by beautiful moments together.  Including daily prayers to express gratitude and asking for guidance to stay on path has helped me through every challenge.

My brain tends to have an overload of information!  I came by it honestly, my mother has the same problem.  We have found a great way to deal with this issue...write down your thoughts.  Be it a journal or just write it down on a piece of paper, when you get it out of your head it is so beneficial.  I have reaped the benefits greatly, not just with my own thoughts, but now my mother has found by writing stuff down she doesn't need to burden me with a long drawn out conversation, she finds her own answers, thank goodness!...lol. A dear friend also helped me through a confusing time by suggesting I write down a few words and put it under my pillow.  My guides came through, problem solved!  We all need a little help along the way.

Over doing anything is not balanced.  Should you find yourself too far over to one side, do your best to find your way back quickly to achieve peace through balance.  Let's go over this one more time...ok let's not :)

Monday, 9 February 2015

Love the energy, love is energy.

We are all energetic beings. We have the power to shift energy, we have the power to attract what we want...love, but there's a catch...we must do the work and we must believe we are worthy to receive.

I have maintained beautiful relationships with close friends and relationships have shifted with those from the past...in a healthy way.  After meeting a wonderful man even men from my past have wished me well.  There's been no need for bitterness and anger because I have continually wished them well on their journeys through prayer and mediation.  When I learn from my past I am able to let go and attract what is for my highest good.  What I didn't know is when I asked..'bring me what is for my highest good', the universe brought me some very tough lessons to help me evolve, lessons that repeated under different circumstances which can easily go unnoticed.  What I now know, those experiences were tests and if I passed, something better was waiting for me.

How many people are on a mission, a mission to find that one person they can love and have that love returned.  Do you really think that comes easily?  The great thing about getting older is I have earned wisdom along the way.  I have connected to a beautiful soul and in just four months I have never put in so much work, but when I say work, it is the most rewarding work I could ever imagine.  Working through every concern that pops into each of our heads, working to communicate our feelings which brings an appreciation for each other more and more each day.  If you start this process right out of the gate, you have a fighting chance at building a loving and rewarding relationship, it doesn't happen overnight.

It has taken me almost fifty years to get this and I am so incredibly grateful to understand how energy works.  As soon as negativity enters my energy field, whether it be worry or fear, I take a step back and leave those concerns in God's hands.  Do you know what happens?  I am divinely guided on how to deal with each situation and if I follow that guidance, proof follows to show me I am on the right path and I am connected with the universe.  The following day my heart is filled with joy as I continue to surround myself with positive energy, but each day it is up to me to put in the effort to maintain that energy field.  If I can do that through the most difficult times by not allowing negativity to smolder and ultimately extinguish my energy field, I can and I have attracted love.

Be very careful with your thoughts and words because the universe will always bring you what you need.  Love can appear to be what you asked for, but always remember, the best love comes from an equal exchange of energy where both parties are willing to put in the work to relish in the magic that follows.  I remember equating this sense of accomplishment to everyday tasks, to my job, to those things that produced material rewards, but there is no greater satisfaction than working with energy to produce the greatest love. What would that be?  I believe the answer is three fold...love for yourself, love for God and then love that reciprocates from one soul to another.  An equal exchange of energy is the goal and the best part is we all have access to the same energy.

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Shake it off!

It was the first time I saw him shed a tear.  He continually surprises me, the last time being New Year's Eve.  It had taken me a few weeks to find inspiration to write again.  He had never shown interest in my writing, but this time, shortly after I posted my last blog mentioning he didn’t read it, didn’t he ask me to read them to him later that night.  Panic set in and he began messaging me with one question after another…’Who reads your blogs?  Do they know who you are?  How detailed do you get in your writing?’  I tried my best to satisfy his concerns ultimately asking he wait until later when we’re together.

Then it was my turn, my moment of panic...what if I scare him off? Would I stop writing if he doesn’t like it?  Next, self-doubt…maybe I am sharing too much, I should just stop, it’s not worth sacrificing my relationship.  The mind races and I tend to overthink, often!  A few hours passed and I had a little talk with myself...ok give your head a shake, be true to yourself, you write from the heart with only good intentions.  If he's meant to stay in my life he will.  This is where faith and prayer come in and I leave all concerns, big and small, in the hands of God.  I even talk to my father and this man's late wife, asking for their help from above.

And so as I read about his family, us, my inner most thoughts, he listened with closed eyes, wiping his tears away and simply said...'beautiful, I am touched.'  We all have moments of doubt and worry and then we must work through them and let them go.  My egoic mind in the past would have wasted an entire day worrying about what someone else thinks which always resulted in doing what I thought would please others, putting my needs second. That's been a big obstacle for me to overcome and although it creeps in sometimes, I shake it off.  I'm just gonna shake shake shake it off as Taylor Swift declares in her music.

It’s been such a long journey in learning my self-worth.  I am finding balance in expressing kindness, caring and compassion within a relationship, while remaining my true self.  It's been challenging to find my power without steamrolling over the other, a constant conscious effort that has taken a few relationships to achieve. Ultimately I have been lead to someone who is willing to work on it together.  We have talked through issues as they come about and when I shake off my worry that I may lose him and regain my senses and say to myself…wait a minute, if he chooses to leave I’m going to be okay, but so far so good, he likes all of me and hasn’t jumped ship.  I could have spent the rest of my life feeling victimized for each and every scenario that created feelings of abandonment since I was a child, but instead I woke up one day and realized every relationship has been in my life to help me awaken and finally, once and for all, learn this lesson!  Since I put this blog together he has sat down and read many more entries from the past and what do you know, he's still here :)