Thursday, 21 January 2016

Fear, I'm kicking your ass!

'Fear caused my cancer.'  This is what Anita Moorjani now believes after her near death experience.  After watching her interview fear has not left my thoughts.  As the week went on Kaypacha from mystic mamma posted his report and what was the theme?..FEAR.  I have been making notes since I watched Anita...

Life is filled with endless fears that can wreak havoc on your mind, body and spirit.  We come into the world as innocent children not knowing what fear is all about, we feel free until the external world begins to shape our ego.  We begin to develop fears about not fitting in, not being liked, whether we look good or whether we're smart enough.  We get rattled when our parents argue, some of us fearing maybe one day they will break up and leave us.  Many days I was afraid to go to school which turned into being afraid to go to work and when I was married and came out of denial, I feared being alone.  I remember leaving home at eighteen feeling fearless without even having a home of my own to go to, to being afraid to be alone in my forties, but in all those years I also had a guy in my life so I hadn’t conquered that fear.

Sometimes we let go of fears, but then develop other ones.  Fear is an ongoing test and you can either push through it or live in it, but didn't it feel amazing once you pushed through it?  If only we could get to a point where it didn't feel so scary to combat fear, that's when I discovered I need a little help, sometimes life can be just too much to handle alone.

Fearing death was the worst fear of all and that one left eight years ago when I began this journey.   I was sick, literally, and tired of being afraid.  My world was crumbling.  I finally gave in when I didn't know what else to do, but surrender to God.  I needed something bigger than me to help and at that time came my first reading with a medium.  I will never forget my whole family showing up and being told 'if you didn't start this healing journey you could've gotten very sick'.  I get it now and why I am such a firm believer in the emotional connection to dis-ease.  Like Anita, I was living in so much fear. 

Slowly I began to learn about natural healing, but only recently realized it's the intention behind it that makes a difference.  I would put healthy things in my body, not so much because I wanted to, but because I was afraid of getting cancer for one.  I understand a lot of the 'natural’ lectures I attended were meant to shake me up and wake me up to a better way and I learned a lot, but it also created a new fear... 'If you don't do this you'll get sick!'  Every time we attach fear to anything, it defeats the purpose.  If I do something healthy or not so healthy, I do it because I want to and because I enjoy it.  Some things I've kept in my routine, some things I've let go.  Changes are continuous and that’s called evolving.  Listen carefully to the words people say to us that create fear.  It comes from all, doctors, employers, newscasters, twitter, facebook and on it goes.  People tend to project their own fears onto you which can consume you.  Just like cancer it can attack and destroy you little by little.

When you do things from a place of fear it is highly likely the outcome will be exactly what you feared.  How many things have you feared that have come true, yet people still don't believe they attract what they put out there!  It's almost as if the ego kicks in and says, see I told you!  You're so pleased with yourself that you were right!  Next you become a victim, the world surely must be against you and you're miserable.  How could there possibly be a God?  Maybe God is actually helping you find your way to him, like he did for me.  Personally I wouldn't want my fears validated, that sucks the life right out of me and feeds my fears, a never ending cycle.  Fear will always come knocking, it's a part of life, but I rather live in love and joy and kick fear's ass out the door and to the curb.  

I no longer fear getting sick, being alone or when I'm going to meet 'the one'.  I no longer fear not having enough, not being good enough or not being liked for who I am.  Looking back I can’t believe how many days I spent being fearful of my bosses or losing my job.  I am no longer in survival mode being satisfied I merely made it through another day.  I say thank you from the moment I start my day and feel peaceful knowing God is looking after me.  I deal with one challenge at a time with gratitude I am being tested yet again to see if I can stay grounded.  And like Anita says..'do not fear death, there is nothing to fear, our loved ones are happy and one day we will be with them again.  Love yourself and live a life of joy.'   If you believe they’ve gone to a better place, then you would see the fear is them not being here with you.  Actually they are, just may not be the way you want them to be.  Enjoy the journey.

Sunday, 17 January 2016

HELP! I'm asking, but is it what you're thinking?

'Why don't you do some volunteering to give back, to HELP people?' said a close friend.  'But I write a blog, I'm helping people.'  I responded.  'But you're still doing that for you, I'm talking about something selfless.'  My defensiveness turned into understanding, but it took many months.  Today's blog is inspired by a conversation with my mother and solidified what I began understanding now that I'm volunteering on a distress line.  'You have so much more potential than dealing with people that are 'stuck', you can really help people.' Now she's my mother and I appreciate her encouragement, but I'm not there.  I don't even know what I'm supposed to do, but I know it's a stepping stone and wherever it leads, or not, it's helping in my personal growth.  

My mom admits she could never do what I'm doing, listening to people over and over that aren't going to take your advice.  I tried to explain that I understand now, by giving without expectations, is selfless.  I'll admit when I started, part of me hoped I could 'unstick' someone, but that's not what it's about, otherwise I'd have quit by now. If I look at it as helping someone from doing something worse, by just being there, then I can continue.  

I also began this blog hoping I can make a difference in someone's life, well more than just one life, and it took years to see it as simply writing about my journey. Narcissistic? could be seen that way.  I'm vulnerable yet confidant, striving for balance so that it's a healthy narcissism driving my ego forward.  I've pissed off people and upset others.  I've heard writers say 'well as long as you get a reaction', now that sounds narcissistic unless the intention is hoping people will pause and ask themselves why they are reacting.  Writing gives me an opportunity to express myself, where volunteering on a distress line is more about listening. 

I will continue to write, I enjoy it.  Unexpectedly I received a message from a girl in her twenties.  She had broken up with her boyfriend and was questioning herself until she read one of my blogs and felt validated. Maybe I helped her from doing something worse, but she had made her decision.  If you are in tune with yourself, the more you trust in your choices, and sometimes just need some support.  Questioning myself is a work in progress, but I'm getting better at it and go to my readings with Stacey to validate the choices I've made or sometimes she needs to be a little hard on me and so I stay open.  A good reader will explain free will, the two paths before us from which to choose from, encourage yet be assertive, without keeping us from learning our lessons.  That's why I appreciate Stacey. We all need HELP, however we choose to get it, no exceptions.  I write my thoughts, having faith that being connected to God, they're coming from a good place.  I am twice this girls age and although I will continue to learn, I have figured out a few things since then, we can all use some guidance, the when and how is key.  

As far as a relationship, you shouldn't be selfless.  You can take it outside of the home and volunteer to be selfless.  In a partner, you want a partner.  To find balance together in the giving and the taking, most importantly in the emotional way.  With those close to you, I don't believe in being selfless, but every relationship seems to have different rules doesn't it? Complicated!  You are selfless when raising your children, but it helps to adjust as they get older so they learn some things on their own, which is so empowering! The trick is to understand the difference between helping and enabling.  I know, I haven't had kids, I am observing from the outside and listening to parents, and I've seen both sides of those kids as adults.  I respect what a difficult job parenting must be, I also respect parents who take a step back and allow their kids to learn, as hard as it may be.  Having faith makes all the difference, you trust in the lessons they are meant to learn by not taking that away from them, and you trust God is watching over them.

As a hippie dude I follow..., said in a recent report...'2016 is a year of giving back and helping others.'  I'm asking you to HELP, give it a thought, if you haven't already.  A seed was planted in my head and like the seed, it took months to grow and when I blossomed something beautiful came out of it.  Little did I know another seed was growing beside me and I received an unexpected gift, a new friendship through this experience.  Volunteering is like food for the soul, it too needs to be nourished in order to grow.  Enjoy the journey.

Wednesday, 30 December 2015

Reflecting, the future and the now.

As the year comes to an end, how many are reflecting on the past, the past year, or maybe even the past few years?  I've had a few people tell me they're thinking about the future, what does 2016 bring?  I most certainly have thought about the last few New Years Eves' and how different this one will be.  For the first time a man isn't in the center of it, and I know that's part of my journey of self love, as was taking a vacation on my own over Christmas.  

As I recap the past three New Years Eves', I know this is where I'm meant to be.  To be ok with bringing in the new year without focusing on a man.  Three years ago I was pumped up on excitement and nerves meeting a man face to face on New Year's Eve after messaging for a month, lovely evening that it was, my head was in the clouds.  The following year I thought I had conquered that fantasy world, spending a few days with a man with no expectations of commitment, to end up feeling sorry for myself when he sent me home on New Year's Eve morning, having made plans with his friends or so he said.

Then came the past New Year's Eve.  I was convinced I was living in reality, having no expectations of spending the evening with a man I had met recently, who's intention was staying home with his sons.  By telling him about my previous sad and lonely New Years, I now realize it was manipulation, only then thinking..."well I never asked to be invited."  He did invite me and I met the boys for the first time.  I really believed he solely did it because he wanted to, not because he also felt sorry for me.  It wasn't until many months later when I broke up with him, did he tell me he did feel sorry for me, adding he should've never had me in his house that soon.  

Since then I have learned a lot; narcissism, emotional immaturity, manipulation, more boundaries, controlling people, men that aren't able to separate who you really are from the "pretend person" they have created and try and shape you into, and most importantly...self love.  I have gone within again and again, I have seen my part while also observing others.  I ask why those men have not wanted to learn and grow with me, I can only ever come up with one answer, well two actually...they don't understand self love and they either don't believe in God or if they do, they don't to the extent of being able to let go of the fear of being in control to leave matters in God's hands.  The irony is that we are not in control, God is.  I could very easily still be a non-believer given the hardships of childhood and relationships that haven't worked out, but once I awakened I became a believer that God brings us what we need and if we come out of it loving ourselves and feeling empowered we can live in peace, knowing he is always inside of us.  

I chose to not sit around this year dwelling over what might have been, but went away over the holidays to enjoy what makes me happy...reading on a beach as the warm winds kept the temperature just right under my palapa, while intermittently floating in the ocean with the sun smiling down on me.  I may be back to the snow and the cold, but I'm happy and I can read wherever I am, enjoy the memories and be grateful to have the awareness for lessons learned.  This year there's a different plan, a quiet New Year's Eve with a new girlfriend.  2016?  What I do know is when it comes to men, it is no longer my focus & so I won't be looking...or did I just put focus on men again :).  And one thing I've one knows God's plan, all we can do is trust in it and so I am practicing living in the now.  Happy New Year!  God bless.

Monday, 14 December 2015

Breaking the pattern of narcissism.

We attract narcissists, well some of us have.  I won't go into the all the details of being raised by narcissistic parents, we all have different stories.  What amazed me is it's not only about parents that aren't there for you, but those who over nurture can prevent their child from developing a healthy sense of Self.  What a tough job a parent has if they weren't taught by their parents.  I will once again recommend Why Is It Always About You by Sandy Hotchkiss.  If you are ready, you will learn a lot. Whether you're in a lesson or just passed one with a narcissist, or want to understand yourself and why you attract a narcissist, you will be able to relate to her words.  

It is our job to break the pattern for ourselves and teach those with children, to end the cycle.  As you continue on in life, the learning comes from relationships of all kinds.  Narcissists are everywhere, some are better equipped on how to deal with them.  There were so many things my parents didn't teach me, and I didn't have kids to mirror back what I needed to see, so the majority of my learning has come from men.  I have done what I want and looking back I can understand why I've been called selfish.  When I have felt unsupported, not having my emotional needs met, I have attracted that due to my own selfishness.  The mirror was placed in front of me, but it took time to be open to see it. 

The difference in my last relationship, I found myself in a situation where a family suffered a loss, didn't get the help they needed and was going through a very difficult time once again.  I was given the opportunity to be emotionally supportive, communicative, to find balance in giving, without losing myself.  Through trial and error I made an effort to learn.  During this process I was learning sacrifice, what is involved in a committed relationship, but over time I was the only one doing the learning and eventually stopped trying.  As much as I wanted to make it fit, as hard as it was, I had to accept that it didn't.  

Everyone has a mirror, and so we were meant to learn from each other, which is how it seemed to start out.  I gave love and got it in return, but love is not enough. We BOTH needed to find the courage to push through our fears, his being the need to control things through pressure and persistence, whatever means he was accustomed to.  When someone is relentless, the other will either give in or be pushed away.  If I didn't give in, arguments ensued, tears flowed and peace would follow if I went along with what he wanted.  The problem was, I wasn't at peace and I didn't want my future to look that way.  

I got pushed too far, the energy between us changed, my feelings were no longer being considered because a narcissist wants what's best for them and unfortunately they can't see it unless they are open and want to change. A good heart, amazing qualities and an opportunity to learn and grow as equals was why I was in this relationship, but once I started to feel inferior, I needed to ask myself why.  I want to clarify, as I don't condone walking away from your family, these are my circumstances, this is not my family and so it was not solely my responsibility to keep trying to make it work.

Anyone that goes for psychic readings must understand they can't predict what choices a person makes.  Some will explain free will, but many people will still look for someone to blame instead of taking the time to understand it's their own choices that changed the outcome.  As far as narcissists go, don't hold your breath unless they're working through their own narcissistic traits.  Sorry is merely a word, making changes brings resolution.  It's sad really, as their true self is wounded, I understand I was one of them.  

God brings us exactly what we need to understand ourselves better.  Without allowing God to guide me, I still would not know my true self.  If I don't know who I am, how can I know what I want?  Whatever our stories are about our childhood, the journey is to figure out one by one where each puzzle piece fits, to continuously learn about ourselves and to project into that mirror what we want to receive back, equality.  This book has given me an incredible gift, another piece of the puzzle, to break the pattern of narcissism. 

Found a good article on narcissism... Hidden Signs of a Narcissist.

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Heaven and narcissism.....

are two subjects I have found myself reading about.  I find it so fascinating where life takes me, but I know why.  I pray and then God guides me towards what I need to learn and the answers I am seeking, when I am ready.  A state of confusion eventually lifts and when it does, it feels amazing!  There are so many great books out there to help me on my journey.

My mother an avid reader, who also admits to letting her books start collecting dust until recently, has realized how much she misses reading.  She texts...'I saw this pastor on tv talking about a book he wrote, sounds really good, can you find it for me?  It's called One Magic Heaven, but I didn't get his name, it's about near death experiences.'  I reply...'Ok no problem, I'll google it'. What the heck is she talking about?  I can't find it anywhere, but my stubbornness can sometimes serve me well and low and behold I found it!...Imagine Heaven (well it does kinda sound like one magic heaven? Lol) by John Burke, a pastor.  As soon as it arrives I just knew I had to read it immediately!

I don't fear death, not because I don't care about dying, but because I already believe my soul will keep living and once I leave earth school, I will go to this magical place called heaven.  John Burke shares many stories of people who have had near death experiences, quoting the bible along the way and even addresses those who believe they're only in it for the money.  There are unethical, corrupt people everywhere, but they are not everyone.  If you ask, God will show you the way.  I thoroughly enjoyed letting my imagination take me to heaven and how peaceful and comforting it is to know paradise awaits.  I now have a few friends that are also loving this book!  

Recent events lead me to the book I am reading now, which is not as current, but I found myself at the library checking out a book on narcissism.  Little did I know how many answers would be unveiled, not only about those around me, but myself and my childhood.  I am still amazed how much stems from childhood! Something I may expand on next time.  Why Is It Always About You?  By Sandy Hotchkiss.  A book I just finished discussing with my naturopath who is passing it on to one of his clients.  As much as I love to receive, I love sharing information, especially when it may help another!  

The chapter on Envy has a correlation to what I just mentioned about the naysayers that think those who write about near death experiences or anything natural or spiritual for that matter, are simply doing it for money. Here's a snippet...'The Narcissist's need to secure a sense of superiority encounters an obstacle whenever someone else appears to have something that he or she lacks. What weapon does the Narcissist choose to silence the rumblings of shame?  The answer is contempt. "That so-and-so isn't such a big deal as he thinks he is."  The intent, usually quite unconscious, is to soil the other enough so that the Narcissist, by comparison, is restored to the superior position. The feeling of envy will be denied because to admit envy would be to acknowledge inferiority, which no good Narcissist would ever do.'

As much as I'm trying to understand others, I also try to see my part so that I can learn about myself, and so I love this excerpt as well from the same book...'Don't be surprised, however, if along the way you have to own up to some unhealthy narcissism of your own.  You may feel drawn to narcissistic characters and also be more reactive to them than others are.  Your strength, however, is in having enough shame tolerance to be able to learn about this problem and make changes that will improve the quality of your life.'  It has!  And it is!

That's the learn about such things as healthy vs unhealthy narcissism, to grow through change, to evolve and be welcomed into a magical heaven one day, imagine it!

Thursday, 19 November 2015

I don't mind being nuts.

My dad found it on the other side, my mom in her seventies, finally found it here.  Both parents are helping me on this journey after all these years.  Many people would think I'm nuts to believe in what I do.

I saw a sign close to my house.  It read distress hotline volunteers needed.  Can I do this?  I tell myself to focus on the training first, try not to jump too far ahead or I'll find a way to talk myself out of it.  I'm pushing through my fears.  The training has helped with my personal growth journey and I have made a new friend in class, I must be on the right path!  Looking around the room I sensed from the beginning she and I would have a connection.  We started talking and I couldn't believe how similar we are, a familiar soul who has had experiences and lessons I could relate to.  She is awakening and eager to learn about spirituality and I am excited to be in the company of a like-mind.  

She entered my life when I was going through a hard time and when I told her about life path numbers she asked me to calculate hers.  I couldn't believe my eyes, we're the same number!  I had to text her right away and loved her reply...'our paths were definitely meant to cross!'  She gets it, which makes it that much more enjoyable to share my world.  She's grateful to have someone to talk to about her ideas who doesn't think she's nuts!  I'm truly blessed for old and new friends.  I'm keeping my vision board because one of the things on there reads...I am meeting my soul group.  How many people are searching and making connections?  I learned so much about myself through my last relationship, a man who lives five minutes away.  My new friend lives seven minutes away in the opposite direction.  Some familiar souls are practically in our backyards! 

Training has just finished and we were all assigned a 'buddy' to help us on our first night before we go solo. Interesting, her name looked Hungarian, I had to ask via email if in fact she is.  An immediate reply...'yes I am! Not many pick up on that!'  My Hungarian father, my biggest supporter and guide up above must be helping me with yet another connection!  We all have souls above that want to help!  You just have to go out and live life and leave the rest to them!  A few years ago my father said he has no interest in coming back anytime soon, knowing what lies ahead.  Look at what is happening in our world!  It certainly wouldn't hurt to ask those above to help and I continually ask God to help us all.

What my parents both found is peace within.  I found it in my heart to forgive them for all the times I wish they were there for me and finally made peace with it.  My mother and I have never gotten along better and my dad said in my last reading 'I'm helping, I'm helping!!!'  If I'm a nut, at least I'm a happy, peaceful, divinely guided and protected nut.

Monday, 2 November 2015

Growing up is not easy at any age!

I learned a lot in a relationship;  patience, tolerance, acceptance, understanding and supporting their emotional needs.  All things I want my partner to think and feel about me.  He taught me to ride it out and not jump ship when issues came up because he didn't run away, but something happened along the way, he fell off that path of opportunity to grow, learn and ultimately emotionally grow up.  What I didn't realize is I still had some growing up to do myself.  

Then an epiphany!...after a conversation with a friend who has been described by others as a psychiatrist and boy she would have been a good one!  Add her strong faith, a double bonus as she is an open vessel, receiving her guidance from God.  We spoke about my relationship and how over time he stopped listening, my emotional needs weren't being met and the communication began to fall apart.  Instead of acting like an emotionally mature adult, he blamed others, taking no ownership for his part, wanting me to believe in what he believed in and then I realized he was trying to mould me into his life, instead of us moulding into each other's lives. Thankfully I also learned to stay true to myself.  My friend asked me 'what are you doing with an emotionally immature guy?'  I didn't have an answer at the time and then I took time to think about it.  He's a good man who loves me (no doubt about that), incredibly smart, has a stable job, a nice home, kept his vow 'until death do us part', taking care of his wife and kids when she got sick and has been a single parent for a few years, having more hardship to endure.  The image I had was one of a grown up, but all these things don't constitute emotional maturity.  

Having more growing up to do myself, I attracted a man like this, and as always I am grateful for the many things I've learned.  A sign of maturity, taking ownership!  One way to grow and learn is to see yourself in the other person as opposed to blaming the other when things go south.  I continued to delve deeper, reverting back to childhood, where everything begins and how it relates to the now.  I had two thoughts....I felt like I missed out, not having two parents, as so many people out there, especially these days, and so I've been told I'm like a kid, reliving the years I lost.  What I'm learning is the difference between acting like a kid and simply having fun like a kid, nothing wrong with the latter.  Secondly, pretty much everything I needed to learn about relationships, neither of my parents taught me.  How could they teach me something they hadn't learned themselves?  They split up not long after I was born, still not learning as the years went on, leaving me to figure it out for myself.  Some people will place blame on their parents, I did.  Some will use them as an excuse by saying 'but that's how I was raised'.  At what point do you start being an adult and thinking for yourself?  The minority of people will one day begin their own journey of self discovery, I did.  

How many parents today still have no idea the extent of what their child will endure if they bail out of their marriage just because things get 'too hard'?  Unless there's abuse, they need to stay for the sake of their children.  Once you decide to have kids you need to accept the responsibility that goes along with it, not just by being there but teaching them when they're young and into adulthood.  I didn't need to have kids to figure that out, I lived it as a kid by not having those teachings.

All the parents 'bailing' are teaching their kids to do the same one day.  How many kids right now are not learning what they need to from their parents?  How many parents blame the kids or their spouse for the way they turned out?  Everyone is blaming everyone!  And you wonder why our society is so messed up!  It's going downhill and quick.  So many kids are not being taught, discipline is not what it used to be, hence they are not growing up and some are either still at home or returning home well into their twenties or even later!  At least I had some stability, having grandparents in the home probably made the difference in the discipline I received and that discipline helped me eventually find the strength to learn some very hard lessons.  My parents couldn't figure out their own stuff and so I began my journey from age 14 of learning through male relationships, only I didn't understand that until my late forties! Interestingly my father died when I was 14 as well. Those two are connected!

Thank you to all the people that have been there for me. Thank you to the man that has just taught me so many lessons, by mirroring back what I still needed to see. Too bad he hasn't yet been able to look in the mirror and see or even try to see what he needs to work on as well.  I've learned everyone has their own moment of awakening. He has called me a kid and I am in some ways, but certainly no longer in the emotional way. 

For the first time ever, although I'm disappointed, I'm ok after a breakup, I can let go and allow them to find their way.  If they do, only then can we both find happiness together.  My faith is strong enough to believe, whatever is meant to be, will be.  As my father said from the other side...'to learn to love yourself more than your partner is a lesson I never taught you'.  This is why I believe he had a hand in helping me meet this man, he's teaching me now.  I'm growing up!