My life was seething with emotional pain. A deep lack of self worth. I was filled with anger, despair, arrogance, superiority. These are all expressions of fear. Underneath them is the pain of powerlessness of wanting to belong and not belonging, of wanting to love and not feeling you can love, of wanting to be loved and feeling unlovable. Feeling ugly inside, so if people can see what's really going on in there, they would not want anything to do with you. If someone told me then the world is a loving place, I would have said what world are you living in? I realized what I needed was to be loved. An interview with Gary Zukav.
He goes on to describe his younger self as a macho punk with a chip on his shoulder. His life later gave way to years of drifting and he secretly battled an addiction that would haunt him for years...sex addiction. He would look for people that he could seduce and that would be exciting to him. It was all to help him feel better about himself. Any addiction, he continues, is to satisfy your emotional craving or to numb your pain. If you recognize you have an addiction, then you must either choose to leave it as it is or to change, and if you change it, you change your life. If even a small part of you decides to heal, that's when the Universe will back you up. Change he did and 25 years ago he wrote Seat of the Soul, a book that touched me deeply.
As I watched this interview I began to have a greater understanding of the man I was once involved with, the man who sat in darkness, the one I have written about. Do I think he is a sex addict?..no, but I do see similarities between these two men. We stayed in touch to know he remained stuck with no desire to make changes. From the beginning he stated he wasn't interested in relationships with anyone, but it was I that chose to believe in time we could see where our connection could take us. We both felt the intense power between us, as Gary says..'every interaction you have is perfect for you and your spiritual growth and perfect for the spiritual growth of everyone you're interacting with given the wisdom of the choices that you've made. Nothing is out of order...ever.'
In my last session with Stacey, similar information was passed on.. 'the man you were involved with with meets women like yourself, to inspire him to change. If those changes weren't possible, he wouldn't have connected with them. He has willingly decided to stay where he is.' On occasion, I would see in his eyes the pain he was hiding from, but without change within and love for himself, any attempt at a loving relationship would be under false pretenses. You can hide from others, but you can't hide from yourself.
There comes a time when you realize some people are to teach, all be it, it took a bit longer to figure out than it should have. It taught me to be aware of a man that is not emotionally available and not continue to wait for change. I was secretly hoping I would be his inspiration to change. Never did I think I would get caught up in the moment, give into temptation as quick as I did. Part of me wanted to be close to him again, but I couldn't do it, the cost to my emotions would have been too high a price to pay.
I can still look back and be proud that after a few visits, I realized I wasn't being true to myself. This was a tough one, when we were together it was lovely, I was so tempted to go back, but as difficult as it was, I had to give up our weekends and the human touch I desperately wanted. In exchange I regained my self-respect, self-worth and once again felt powerful, not a bad trade. I had come too far to settle for anything less than someone who wants to make a commitment and to love all of me. I expressed my gratitude by thanking him for reigniting my flame and showing me I am capable of the feelings he unleashed in me.
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Open Up With Eve