Summer

Saturday, 28 February 2015

Exercise your faith.

Asking is only half the equation, I believe it is extremely important to be thankful when you receive.  True faith is being grateful even through the hardest times, it's when your faith is being tested to the hilt.  Do you give up or do you continue to believe?  I didn't always feel this way and I certainly wasn't brought up in a family that taught me this, but now I am teaching my mother.  I still have to give my head a shake when she tells me this, as it's taken all these years to get here.  We both awakened...but only less than ten years ago.  I learned in the past years she has believed in God and prayed, but she wasn't thankful on a continual basis.  I don't know if I'm being accurate, but to me it feels like you block off the flow of energy when you don't complete the cycle.

Then there are those that speak the words, saying such things as God is good, only after spewing negativity towards others.  No wonder why more and more people choose not to believe. Although it can be frustrating, I walk my own path and I've been fortunate to have a friend be a mentor on what true faith is all about.

I was watching an episode of the Help Desk and was amazed to hear the advice being given was what I've been practicing for a few years.  When getting ready for work I say daily prayers, not only for myself but for loved ones and for the people at my workplace.  In this program they spoke of how you need to prepare the energies before you arrive at work.  A place where you interact with so many, everyone going through something in their lives and a place that needs the help of those who have awakened.  I feel so much better giving this way.  It's so simple, by putting out this positive energy while I get ready for work, drive to work and as I walk into the building, I'm not even having to put extra time aside to accomplish this task.

What I have had to do is exercise patience, stay dedicated and never give up.  It has taken a long time and sure, we all have our ups and downs, but generally I feel as though I am in sync and flowing with the Universe.  Once you awaken, you can never go back to sleep, so keep on exercising!

Monday, 16 February 2015

Over and over and over again!

Overthinking, overanalyze, overreact, overdo, overboard, overcompensate, overdose, who wants to be over anything?  By the way, who wears overalls anymore?  Now if you use over on it's own...getting over it, getting over the past, and waking up with love in your heart over and over again, now that's my kinda over.

It was a challenging week and because of communication and resolution, he then said..'we overthink everything'.  So very true, but I love that we are cut from the same cloth.  When concerns arise, taking a step back to think is required, but don't wait too long to find that right moment and then get it out.  I'm in the process of not overthinking, it'll drive me nuts and keep me from getting my beauty rest!  Internalizing those thoughts for days on end will not bring resolution, in fact it's a breeding ground for disease.

I am learning as a woman we want to express ourselves immediately and men need to be left alone to process.  By understanding how a man deals with conflict, I am finding a way to convey the message without accusing and passing judgement, trying my best not to overdo it, trying being the operative word! Then, like a man, I'm allowing those words to be processed until it is time for resolution.  What is happening is a mutual understanding of each other's feelings and the feeling is euphoric and incredibly rewarding on an emotional level, followed by beautiful moments together.  Including daily prayers to express gratitude and asking for guidance to stay on path has helped me through every challenge.

My brain tends to have an overload of information!  I came by it honestly, my mother has the same problem.  We have found a great way to deal with this issue...write down your thoughts.  Be it a journal or just write it down on a piece of paper, when you get it out of your head it is so beneficial.  I have reaped the benefits greatly, not just with my own thoughts, but now my mother has found by writing stuff down she doesn't need to burden me with a long drawn out conversation, she finds her own answers, thank goodness!...lol. A dear friend also helped me through a confusing time by suggesting I write down a few words and put it under my pillow.  My guides came through, problem solved!  We all need a little help along the way.

Over doing anything is not balanced.  Should you find yourself too far over to one side, do your best to find your way back quickly to achieve peace through balance.  Let's go over this one more time...ok let's not :)

Monday, 9 February 2015

Love the energy, love is energy.

We are all energetic beings. We have the power to shift energy, we have the power to attract what we want...love, but there's a catch...we must do the work and we must believe we are worthy to receive.

I have maintained beautiful relationships with close friends and relationships have shifted with those from the past...in a healthy way.  After meeting a wonderful man even men from my past have wished me well.  There's been no need for bitterness and anger because I have continually wished them well on their journeys through prayer and mediation.  When I learn from my past I am able to let go and attract what is for my highest good.  What I didn't know is when I asked..'bring me what is for my highest good', the universe brought me some very tough lessons to help me evolve, lessons that repeated under different circumstances which can easily go unnoticed.  What I now know, those experiences were tests and if I passed, something better was waiting for me.

How many people are on a mission, a mission to find that one person they can love and have that love returned.  Do you really think that comes easily?  The great thing about getting older is I have earned wisdom along the way.  I have connected to a beautiful soul and in just four months I have never put in so much work, but when I say work, it is the most rewarding work I could ever imagine.  Working through every concern that pops into each of our heads, working to communicate our feelings which brings an appreciation for each other more and more each day.  If you start this process right out of the gate, you have a fighting chance at building a loving and rewarding relationship, it doesn't happen overnight.

It has taken me almost fifty years to get this and I am so incredibly grateful to understand how energy works.  As soon as negativity enters my energy field, whether it be worry or fear, I take a step back and leave those concerns in God's hands.  Do you know what happens?  I am divinely guided on how to deal with each situation and if I follow that guidance, proof follows to show me I am on the right path and I am connected with the universe.  The following day my heart is filled with joy as I continue to surround myself with positive energy, but each day it is up to me to put in the effort to maintain that energy field.  If I can do that through the most difficult times by not allowing negativity to smolder and ultimately extinguish my energy field, I can and I have attracted love.

Be very careful with your thoughts and words because the universe will always bring you what you need.  Love can appear to be what you asked for, but always remember, the best love comes from an equal exchange of energy where both parties are willing to put in the work to relish in the magic that follows.  I remember equating this sense of accomplishment to everyday tasks, to my job, to those things that produced material rewards, but there is no greater satisfaction than working with energy to produce the greatest love. What would that be?  I believe the answer is three fold...love for yourself, love for God and then love that reciprocates from one soul to another.  An equal exchange of energy is the goal and the best part is we all have access to the same energy.

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Shake it off!

It was the first time I saw him shed a tear.  He continually surprises me, the last time being New Year's Eve.  It had taken me a few weeks to find inspiration to write again.  He had never shown interest in my writing, but this time, shortly after I posted my last blog mentioning he didn’t read it, didn’t he ask me to read them to him later that night.  Panic set in and he began messaging me with one question after another…’Who reads your blogs?  Do they know who you are?  How detailed do you get in your writing?’  I tried my best to satisfy his concerns ultimately asking he wait until later when we’re together.

Then it was my turn, my moment of panic...what if I scare him off? Would I stop writing if he doesn’t like it?  Next, self-doubt…maybe I am sharing too much, I should just stop, it’s not worth sacrificing my relationship.  The mind races and I tend to overthink, often!  A few hours passed and I had a little talk with myself...ok give your head a shake, be true to yourself, you write from the heart with only good intentions.  If he's meant to stay in my life he will.  This is where faith and prayer come in and I leave all concerns, big and small, in the hands of God.  I even talk to my father and this man's late wife, asking for their help from above.

And so as I read about his family, us, my inner most thoughts, he listened with closed eyes, wiping his tears away and simply said...'beautiful, I am touched.'  We all have moments of doubt and worry and then we must work through them and let them go.  My egoic mind in the past would have wasted an entire day worrying about what someone else thinks which always resulted in doing what I thought would please others, putting my needs second. That's been a big obstacle for me to overcome and although it creeps in sometimes, I shake it off.  I'm just gonna shake shake shake it off as Taylor Swift declares in her music.

It’s been such a long journey in learning my self-worth.  I am finding balance in expressing kindness, caring and compassion within a relationship, while remaining my true self.  It's been challenging to find my power without steamrolling over the other, a constant conscious effort that has taken a few relationships to achieve. Ultimately I have been lead to someone who is willing to work on it together.  We have talked through issues as they come about and when I shake off my worry that I may lose him and regain my senses and say to myself…wait a minute, if he chooses to leave I’m going to be okay, but so far so good, he likes all of me and hasn’t jumped ship.  I could have spent the rest of my life feeling victimized for each and every scenario that created feelings of abandonment since I was a child, but instead I woke up one day and realized every relationship has been in my life to help me awaken and finally, once and for all, learn this lesson!  Since I put this blog together he has sat down and read many more entries from the past and what do you know, he's still here :)

Saturday, 10 January 2015

The letting go continues as I begin a new chapter...

He made me a necklace from his ruby birthstone and bought me my birthstone, a sapphire necklace for Christmas.  Little did he know the last man to give me sapphires was my father 35 years ago before he passed away.  A few years ago I had sold my father's sapphires looking for extra money and a spiritual friend told me..'he has returned them to you'.

I had accepted the fact that I would spend another New Year's Eve on my own, I even wrote my last blog about it, which by the way he doesn't read, and then that evening he asked me to pick him up outside his home and go for a coffee.  Little did I know he had been planning a little surprise.  When I arrived he asked me to park in the driveway and invited me in to meet his sons and then said..'surprise, I'm cooking a feast for New Years Eve tomorrow and I want you to join us.'  We've been careful about bringing me into his sons' lives and so I was shocked, knowing this was a big step for him.  As he showed me around I sensed a nice energy in his home and then one by one each boy entered the kitchen, shaking my hand and returning to their rooms.  One eyeballed me a little more intensely and I remembered their father telling me his wife had said before she passed...'he will have a more difficult time accepting you moving on one day'.  New Years's Eve was a beautiful evening.  His eldest has now completed radiation and awaits the results, but carries on as normally as he possibly can, never complaining.

A family that has endured so much, still grieving the loss of a mother and wife who was a valuable part in their lives.  My prayer is to bring joy and light into their home while not trying to replace their mother.  As I proceed carefully and cautiously, I also believe these four males could benefit from a female energy, a big undertaking and moving slowly is something new for me.  For once I'm not going all in, I'm not merely infatuated, but living in reality, questioning my relationship from time to time, while still enjoying the process.

I dreamt of roses last night, carefully picking thru the wilted ones to find one and then another beautiful pink one in a room that held significance of my last relationship.  I read this morning...pink roses represent fresh love, new romance and wilted ones can signify the end of something such as a relationship.  The previous man I was in a relationship with over a year ago has moved on and I have also on a conscious level, but it shows me how long it takes to clear out these feelings on a subconscious level and so I worked it out in dream state.  Thankfully I remembered the details when I woke up this morning to a beautiful new day and the next chapter of my life.

Tuesday, 30 December 2014

Letting go..only when I'm good and ready!

'Wow, I can't believe when I was ready to let go, only then did a new door open that brought me someone I truly deserve.  I didn't think it would happen, but now I believe it.  What was I thinking, remaining hopeful for a guy who didn't want what I wanted....a commitment.'...said a friend to me recently.

How many of us have done this?  When we are in it, we don't want to see it and who wants to feel rejected?  Instead of seeing that we are worthy of love we ask ourselves...'what did I do wrong?'  It's never wrong to ask yourself the hard questions, but we can't beat ourselves up either and take full responsibility when there are two parties involved, I have been guilty of that far too many times. Having been raised by my grandparents, I remember as a child wondering why my parents weren't there for me.  By not knowing the answers, I instead asked myself, 'what did I do wrong?'...and so I continued this thought pattern throughout my teens and adulthood.  Even in my forties when my mother got drunk after we argued, crashed her car, said..'it's all your fault.'  Now at the age of 49, over Christmas Eve dinner, my mother admits to going off track during part of her life, but still thinks my childhood was great.  I had to accept she may never see it and let go.

This time last year I was in excruciating pain, feeling unloved and lonely, the worst New Years Eve I had ever experienced.  I had spent four days alone in a cold house during an ice storm reaching out to a man that I actually thought might be interested in beginning a relationship, boy was I wrong!  But when I was smack dab in it, I was convinced I could just enjoy his company now and again and eventually he would commit.  I no longer felt I had done anything wrong, but I still didn't value my worth quite enough and I was nowhere near letting go.

Now here I am, another year has gone by.  Thankfully I can look back and see how simply not engaging physically was not enough, I had to let go emotionally and that takes time.  You can't put a timeline on emotions, you need to feel each one and only then move on.  Once I did, a wonderful man entered my life, but little did I know I would face other challenges and my body never ceases to send me messages.  Thankfully the messages are not as harsh and I have been able to work through them as the days go by.

The holidays can be difficult when I have familiar feelings of loneliness.  Everywhere I turn families are celebrating and lovers are ringing in the new year.  This year is similar, yet different.  This man is dealing with a son battling cancer and it is too much, too soon, to bring me into his family, but he has spent as much time as he can with me, reassuring me that he wants to continue our relationship.  How hard is it to find yourself in a similar circumstance from the past and wonder, why?....extremely! Logically my mind says I am fine, I understand what he is dealing with, but I can't control my emotions and they have run amuck lately.  My brain questions everything as I try my best to live in the moment, yeah right.  I've gone through an emotional roller coaster, feeling great one day and blue the next, just like my childhood and it doesn't it help that last New Years Eve is still very fresh in my mind. There are familiar feelings going on, fortunately in a far lesser degree and the men are not the same are not the same, I am not the same and because I have learned and grown, the lesson is not entirely the same.  If what I want is to share my life with someone and be a part of a family, then I have to learn from the past and not live in fear that I will repeat it.

So I let go and let God.  I chant the serenity prayer, and I ask God...'if this is not the man I am meant to be with, please don't allow it to go on'..and I wait.  After some difficult conversations, he's still here and so we carry on.  Boy am I ever glad I let go, in more ways than one.

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Grateful for healing prayers, I dedicate this one to Anthony.

When news arrived that his son Anthony has to battle cancer again, he broke down quietly where no one could see him.  He's frightened as last time it had progressed to stage four in a very short time.  I immediately reached out to everyone I know to ask for prayers of healing and I am grateful to all who are lending their support, thank you.

I believe in the power of prayer as I witness incredible outcomes on a continual basis.  Prayer does not absolve us from challenges, but it gives us strength and also peace to leave that which is just too much of a load to carry, in the hands of God.  God's children are each and everyone one of us and you are all showing me how fortunate I am to have connected to you.  My faith has brought me a beautiful gift, to have the strength to be a part of this family and to provide comfort and encouraging words along with laughter to a man that is facing more difficulty on his path.  I have learned so much over the years and I am more than ready to walk this path with him and surround him with my energy while not allowing myself to get lost or drained in the process.  I now believe with God's help I have been preparing for this for a long time.

This father, an incredible family man he is, has brought so much into my life in only a few months time.  There is so much he has to deal with, but he always manages to show me how much he cares. When a man wants to be with you, nothing will stop him.  By letting him know I am here for him, giving him whatever space he needs, only decreases the space between us.

I believe my father and this man's wife are guiding us every step of the way and I say thank you to them as well.  I don't feel it's Anthony's time to join his mother, he dreams of becoming a pilot one day.  His father told his wife before she passed that he had a vision of Anthony in a pilot's uniform when he was battling cancer the first time, and I have to believe that dream will become reality one day.  Never give up on your dreams and continue to believe.  It has not been time to meet you yet Anthony, but I say a prayer for you each and every day...you will be healed and live in good health again, may God and all of his angels surround you and your family with love and light.  Thank you that you are divinely protected.