Then it was my turn, my moment of panic...what if I scare him off? Would I stop writing if he doesn’t like it? Next, self-doubt…maybe I am sharing too much, I should just stop, it’s not worth sacrificing my relationship. The mind races and I tend to overthink, often! A few hours passed and I had a little talk with myself...ok give your head a shake, be true to yourself, you write from the heart with only good intentions. If he's meant to stay in my life he will. This is where faith and prayer come in and I leave all concerns, big and small, in the hands of God. I even talk to my father and this man's late wife, asking for their help from above.
And so as I read about his family, us, my inner most thoughts, he listened with closed eyes, wiping his tears away and simply said...'beautiful, I am touched.' We all have moments of doubt and worry and then we must work through them and let them go. My egoic mind in the past would have wasted an entire day worrying about what someone else thinks which always resulted in doing what I thought would please others, putting my needs second. That's been a big obstacle for me to overcome and although it creeps in sometimes, I shake it off. I'm just gonna shake shake shake it off as Taylor Swift declares in her music.
It’s been such a long journey in learning my self-worth. I am finding balance in expressing kindness, caring and compassion within a relationship, while remaining my true self. It's been challenging to find my power without steamrolling over the other, a constant conscious effort that has taken a few relationships to achieve. Ultimately I have been lead to someone who is willing to work on it together. We have talked through issues as they come about and when I shake off my worry that I may lose him and regain my senses and say to myself…wait a minute, if he chooses to leave I’m going to be okay, but so far so good, he likes all of me and hasn’t jumped ship. I could have spent the rest of my life feeling victimized for each and every scenario that created feelings of abandonment since I was a child, but instead I woke up one day and realized every relationship has been in my life to help me awaken and finally, once and for all, learn this lesson! Since I put this blog together he has sat down and read many more entries from the past and what do you know, he's still here :)