Summer

Saturday, 20 September 2014

Is it time yet? Is this 'the one'...no the timing is off.

Can't you just see it? Touch it, feel it, it's right there, right in front of you. It's 'the one' who seems like the perfect fit and you're so damn sure of it...but they're not.  Well maybe they are, but the timing is off.  It's not my present, but It has been my past.  Now I see others going through it and I know...it sucks!  How frustrating when you're ready and they're not.  You see the potential, you imagine starting to build a relationship and you start seeing a future together.  The only problem is you're alone in your thoughts.  You're creating something that's in your mind and yours alone.  Okay so they're not ready now, so you wait and you keep on envisioning, thinking if you just hang in there they'll come around.  There's nothing wrong with manifesting, but create what you want and believe in it without directing it to 'the one' that isn't on the same page as you, because that will only lead to heartbreak, frustration and anger.  If they are meant to reconnect with you from a better place in their lives, they will.

I for one have difficulty getting angry, instead I end up hurt.  It's taken me a long time to realize it's all about timing.  Connections I have made have always had such promise and so I have hung on to sinking ships until I almost drowned.  No matter how difficult it was, I finally realized if they aren't ready, move on.  Give it some time, but it really doesn't take long to find out if a person wants what you do.  When we let it go on and on, we're stalling, hoping that change is right around the corner and then before we know it months, even years have passed us by.  Then what happens?...we get even more upset or angry that we just lost time we can't get back.

We are constantly told if we let him or her go something better lies ahead.  There's only one problem, we have to believe in something we can't see, feel or touch and the unknown is always scary, that's where faith comes in.  There is such a lack of faith that so many people are struggling more than they need to for longer than they need to because they are so afraid that if they give in to trying to control their destiny, everything will fall apart.  Control and fear do not add up to happiness.  We have hung on to someone that we can't accept isn't 'the one' and if we let them go we're terrified nothing better will come along and we'll end up alone.  We are suffering endlessly waiting for them to catch up, instead of going thru a quicker and shorter dose of pain by walking away and putting our trust in a higher power to unite us with 'the one' that is in sync with us and the timing is perfect.   If they don't come along right away, it might just mean you're not as ready as you thought you were.  If you accept that and the situation you're in, without fighting it and trying desperately to create an entire lifetime with the next 'one' that is just 'close enough' to what you want, I'll bet money on it that it'll be worth the wait.

Thank you that I am always at the right place at the right time with the right people and the right energy.  Whatever I need is already here and it is all for my highest good.  Thank you that everything happens in divine order.

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Questions...grrrr. Time for a rant...

Why do you want a relationship?  Why do you need a man?   Why don't you want to be single?  Why didn't you have children?  Why didn't you ever want children?  Can't you just enjoy being alone? Shouldn’t you just focus on yourself?  Don't you get tired of these types of questions?...I do.  There was a time I needed to be asked some hard questions and I'm grateful to the people that helped me along the way.  Then I had to ask myself those same questions.  I did lose myself in my marriage and I admit it, I depended on him for my happiness, that was years ago.  I took some time and worked on myself.  I enjoy time on my own, I can accept it, but it doesn't mean I want that forever.  There's a big difference between want and need and so I've been learning valuable lessons thru relationships.

My big lessons have been rejection and abandonment because they stem from childhood.  Now I ask, how do I learn and heal those wounds on my own?  - reject and abandon myself?  Yes I had healing to do on my own, but when I entered into a relationship, class was in session.  I have learned in different ways, thru different men, with different circumstances.  When the going got tough, one got going and I felt abandoned.  When another was aloof and didn't respond to an email or a text, I felt rejected, over and over again. No, I didn't learn quickly, but I eventually figured it out.  By being with these men, along with doing the work on myself, I later discovered these experiences were brought into my life to heal the wounds.

The mystery man who seemed to think he knew me after two weeks, said...'may I suggest you work on yourself rather than define yourself thru relationships.'  He had no desire for love and when I told my spiritual counsellor, Stacey, her response was...'the nerve, he's projecting!'  "Projection is a defense mechanism in which one attributes to others, one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts or emotions."   Now I see I have done some projecting myself in the past.  It's also interesting how Stacey looks into your DNA energy and apparently being in a relationship is part of my DNA.

With each lesson learned something amazing has happened - each man that follows the previous one has been more and more like me, similar interests, personality, that sort of thing.  Each connection is powerful in its own right and I went from learning after many years with one man, to less than a year with another and then four months.  I haven’t been looking, things have just happened because my guides bring me what I need in order to progress as a soul and I'm always open to that.  That man who barely knew me?  Well it was a fun few weeks of exchanging words, I found out quickly he didn’t want anything more than to play games, although he charmed me with his words.  I spoke my truth, he ended the connection and I, no longer, felt abandoned or rejected.

I enjoyed partnership when married - giving and receiving love, the conversations, cuddling and laughing while watching a movie, dinners, sharing what happened in our days, along with fun and adventurous travels.  I see happy couples walking hand and hand, kissing and yes I want that.  It's never perfect, I’ve had my share of struggles, but there are a lot of wonderful things that go along with sharing your life with another and with each experience the challenges haven’t been as intense because I’ve been learning along the way.  I find the people that question my need, I rather prefer, my want, are the ones that have no desire to enter into a relationship and so they question why I do.  Do I ask them why they feel the need to stay single?...I USED to.  Funny thing, as I worked on myself I realized it is not for me to question what other people want or don't want.  I listen and support their choices and I stopped asking why.  I still observe and when I question their decisions, now I keep those questions to myself, unless they ask for my input.  We all have enough work to do on ourselves without questioning others.  If you're asking for yourself instead of questioning my choices, then I'll be happy to oblige.



Friday, 5 September 2014

Do you know what you want?

We all have our own dreams, don't let anyone take them away from you or make you question them.  I know what I want..to love madly, deeply and passionately with a man that is emotionally available, a commitment.  Your dream may be different from that of your friends, your mother or your father and that's okay, it's your dream and yours alone.

I asked the mysterious man I recently connected with...'were you ever going to divulge who you are?'  He replied..'there are no absolutes, therefore I can't answer definitely.'  My mother referenced in a letter..'I won't tell you why I cried so many times over the years, that's for you to figure out.'  The only games I want to play are the ones online, my life is not a game.  I choose not to participate in manipulation and the need for others to be in control. I have come too far on my journey to stop my progress for anyone. You either take a step forward, work with me or you're getting left behind.

Women tend to conform to what a man wants, they settle and they decide something is better than nothing.  I truly enjoy each connection, every interaction and I have learned that when I feel my needs aren't being met, I know it's time to look after me.  It doesn't necessarily mean the connections have discontinued, I have just been shown how to use boundaries and I am always grateful for the opportunity to learn.  In my case, the choices men have made has stemmed from fear, whether it's fear of commitment, afraid to make changes in their lives or getting too close and being vulnerable.  I'll borrow this line from a spiritual site..'To free our body from fear, what we need is the glorious experience of our soul.'

I can't live in some fantasy world where I believe my mother or some of the men I have been close to will magically do what I want them to, that's reality.  When anyone gets to an impasse in the road they have two choices, it's called free will.  If you choose opposite roads, then let them go.  If you stand still and choose neither, you're at a roadblock and if you stay there, the effects will come out somewhere, somehow.  We are not meant to be stagnant, that's why it's called a journey.  We all know if you choose the same road you will grow and evolve together, that's freedom.  You can be free within a relationship.  You have chosen the same path and if you are consciously aware, you're not going to lose your identity or yourself, it just means you're on a beautiful journey together to learn from each other.

I know what I want.  I want to believe in my dreams.  Dreams do come true.  Never, ever give up.

Monday, 1 September 2014

Don't cross that boundary line!


Watch it, stay over there, my lines are drawn, boundary lines that is.  One of my toughest lessons has been boundaries.  I am a communicator, open with my thoughts and feelings and when I share, others share as well.  I don't want to change who I am, but I had to learn that sharing too much too fast can lead to trouble.  I had to learn when giving all of myself too fast to someone that is not emotionally available only leads to heartbreak.  



I knew better, but I didn't listen.  I got carried away in the fun of sharing every detail of what was going on in my life with my mother, like two girlfriends, not knowing I was setting myself up for disaster.  One day over a phone call I had the opportunity to do what my gut knew was right and instead I shared one detail too many which led to her having a meltdown.  After all these years, isn't it amazing when we know better we still don't listen to ourselves?  It's a mystery to me how sometimes we learn something quickly, other times it takes years and in some cases, never.  I know we continue to learn throughout our lives, but I don't want to be a hamster on the wheel learning the same thing over and over again.  I had three people in a matter of one year challenge my boundaries.  I didn't learn easily, but I learned or at least have the awareness of what the lesson was about.



After getting close far too quickly through an intersection in our social media world, they vanished without a word and without a trace.  I was fortunate no harm was done as I realized after, I let my guard down and put my trust into someone I hadn't known for too long.  

What happened next?..only I would connect to someone else through a word game which has been the catalyst to many interesting conversations. How do you know when to trust and when not to? You don't, sometimes you have to take a risk, as long as you proceed with caution and set your boundaries.  A year ago Stacey casually mentioned the game Ruzzle in a reading and I connected with a successful businessman in Dubai.  A year later we still play the game, maybe an odd hello to see how the other one is doing, the connection remains, but that is all, it is what it is and it has been a pleasure. We trusted each other with a phone number as a means of communication, which we haven't even used in some time, and social media to see what the other person looks like and enjoy each other's travels.  Not everything has to end or end badly. 

Almost exactly a year later after my reading, that night in fact, I decided to play later than usual.  A few games, a message arrived..'good game!'..another game, another message, three hours later....two weeks later.  A mysterious man, with a similar family background, now enjoying our interesting conversations more than playing the game.  Blessed I am to have attracted men like my father - charming, funny and intelligent.  My father's dream was to be a doctor and so I have connected to one a few thousand miles away.  Will we stay connected?  Will this be the extent of our connection?  All that's important right now is that I maintain these boundary lines and so when one comment was slightly inappropriate, I spoke my truth and received this message...'I overstepped my bounds and good taste. I apologize and will try not to do that again unless invited.'  You are testing me mystery man, I am determined to pass this time around.

Friday, 22 August 2014

Time on its own does not heal.


After a few months of sitting around a table listening to stories from women speak about their alcoholic husbands and families during Al-Anon meetings, stories that have gone on for as long as 25 years, I learned and I moved on.  Never will I forget reading in a Carolyn Myss book - these organizations are wonderful, but you can get stuck in anything too long.  Getting involved with a man whom after a few years of being separated, still had no desire to move on because he had been so badly burned and hurt from his marriage.  Listening to a friend speak of her experiences in grief counseling over a course of a few months, while like myself, heard stories from others that continued for many years.  Looking back on all these events one thing came to mind - time on its own does not heal all wounds.  



During my reading with Stacey we spoke extensively while my father gave his input, about an argument my mother and I had recently. The pain and the hurt she experienced during the final years with him and after their marriage ended, was never healed.  It has been over forty years, time on its own has not healed her wounds.  We all need a grieving period and then we must take action.  If we bury and suppress the pain it will never completely go away and it will have an effect on the rest of our lives. That pain will come out in some form, be it through further interactions with people, our next relationship, as illness in the body or very possibly all three.  



I am not qualified to tell you how to heal your pain, but I can share the many factors that have contributed to my healing, as we all have our own path.  What I can tell you, is like anything, it takes work.  Healing doesn't come magically by letting years pass by, thinking...if I just forget the pain and put it behind me, it will just go away.  My father didn't realize the damage that had been done by not healing his wounds until he crossed over to the other side and so we are healing our relationship, ourselves, in a very different manner, through heaven and earth. 

I took action some seven years ago and attended a health fair.  I began attending meetings to learn more about natural ways to heal the body.  This led to my dear holistic nutritionist friend connecting me to a medium and in that session my whole family came to support my journey, the beginning of my healing.  I began researching, reading, spending money, not on luxuries, but to explore meditation, energy healing amongst many other things.  I prayed, I attended workshops, I took responsibility for my part in relationships that I had been involved in, expressing gratitude for both good and challenging times.  I journaled and I continually put into practice everything I was learning.  I cried, I spent time alone and I opened up to hear what others wanted to share with me, whether I wanted to hear it or not.  I found Stacey and in our sessions I have the intention of following the guidance she, my guardian angels, guides and father provide with determination to learn my lessons along the way.

The work has been paying off.  My guides, for the time being, are bringing me lessons that I can learn while having fun and Stacey advises me to keep it light and not complicated while doing mental check-ins as I make new connections.  When darkness appears, it also disappears with no serious harm done.  I believe there are so many good things to follow and so in 25 years I will not be repeating the same story, I'll be speaking about all the wonderful experiences I have had along the way.  Time + action = healing.

Friday, 15 August 2014

Prayers needed, I'm doing my part. Are you?


Testing testing, feels as though many of us are getting pushed to our limits.  The world is uneasy.  I turned on the news...once.  Once was enough to observe images of war, Iraqi people fleeing to the mountains, dead children being left behind, Israel and Palestine, then Ukraine and finally the Ebola outbreak.  Amongst all this, outpouring of posts on Facebook like I've never seen before when news spread of Robin Williams's death, followed by one report after another about depression.  It is important to know what is going on in the world, but I am not required to wallow in it.  Being a sensitive person, there is only one thing that brings comfort to my psyche, my spirit, my soul...prayer.  With the presence of God I will never be alone.  Without prayer it would be far too easy to fall into depression in moments I do feel alone and life isn't going exactly as I would like it to.

I can't say I'm surprised.  The spiritual people I have followed for years have spoken about difficult times ahead.  For quite some time my own family in spirit have said they would rather stay where they are because they don't want to be here for what lies ahead, although they are more than happy to help me when I ask.  Am I scared, worried or falling into depression?...no.  Because of faith I feel protected and needed to continue my prayers for those who believe and for those who do not.

Prayer warriors are needed more than ever.  It is obvious with all that is going on around us, our faith is being tested.  I pray for more people to awaken and to pray.  What have you got to lose?  This confuses me.  Do you lose what you believe in?  If you don't believe in a higher power, then what are you losing?  Is it science that you believe in?  I manage to believe in science and a higher power, both are possible.  I suppose fear has something to do with it.  Fear of the unknown.  I believe the best things in life come through challenges.  Awakening is the ultimate challenge because it requires believing in something we cannot see, touch or rationalize.  I will always be a little bit of this and a little bit of that, not one particular religion, not choosing between science and faith and I see that as balance.  This is where I think our universe is heading...for the two to emerge.  In fact I'm seeing it happen, slowly.  

Peace is needed within as much as peace is needed in our world.  Would it hurt to at least try and see what happens?  Almost everyday a situation is brought to my attention that requires a prayer. Each time I feel better for doing my due diligence, for giving back for the life God has given me for as long as I am meant to be here.  It is why I believe we are given this gift of life and why it's such a terrible tragedy when someone makes the decision to commit suicide.  God does not want that, but in all of life there is good and evil.   I feel divinely protected because I have faith.  I flow through life with greater ease and accept the challenges when they arrive, never for a moment sinking so low that I would even consider taking my life or harming another.  It is why I experience the kindness of others, when I am kind to them.  It is why others pray for me on this journey through good times and for lessons I am here to learn.  If only, if only, we all believed in prayer.

I try and say this prayer each day from the book titled...The Four Agreements.

Thank you, Creator of the Universe, for the gift of life you have given me.  Thank you for giving me everything that I have ever truly needed.  Thank you for the opportunity to experience this beautiful body and this wonderful mind.  Thank you for living inside me with all your love, with your pure and boundless spirit, with your warm and radiant light. Thank you for using my my words, for using my eyes, for using my heart to share your love wherever I go.  I love you just the way you are, and because I am your creation, I love myself just the way I am.  Help me to keep the love and the peace in my heart and to make that love a new way of life, that I may live in love the rest of my life.  Amen. 

Friday, 8 August 2014

If you give it away, he may just go away.


'We messaged, he asked me out, I slept with him the first night'.  I hear this way too often.  Maybe some of us have done it once and figured out if you want a chance at developing a relationship, it's not going to work out if you give it all up right away.  Sometimes we have to learn the hard way, what seems like a good idea at the time backfires when you realize you want to get to know the person and it's too late. There's nothing worse than someone being aloof the following day and then saying they need their space.  Call me crazy, but shouldn't you grow closer together after sex, instead of growing apart?..it is meant to be a spiritual bond.



Roles seem to be reversing, more and more women are turning into what we despised in men and for some reason they think it's a good thing, even empowering.  Not!  And if a man sees you as merely a good time, many will have a hard time getting past that and won't bother getting to know you.  There are always exceptions to the rule, but it doesn't happen often so why risk it?  



I'm surprised to hear a twenty-something guy tell me, 'it's the girls that only want to have sex'.  Well it does take two to tango, both jumped in or shall we say...on, too fast.  What he now wants is words - messaging and conversation.  The roles are reversing and I'm glad this is what I'm hearing from men.  It's a wonder women are complaining guys don't do anything for them - take them out, have fun, be silly, enjoy that passion in everything.  Let's face it, once the mystery is gone, what ends up happening?...you're staying in far more than you're going out, the pattern has begun.

I believe friendship needs to develop first.  The passion you found in your own life starts to mesh with your partner and you enjoy it together and then you have a far better chance of living a life of passion in every way.  Having a man respect you and one that is happy to just spend time with you...that's empowering.  If they don't want to follow the steps and stick around, well there is a book written about it...He 's Just Not Into You.  My take on that..sometimes it isn't always that they don't want you, but that they may not be in a place in their lives they want anything more than a non-committed physical connection...haha, that's my way of putting it in a nice way.  Speaking from a past experience which involved many conversations and a mutual understanding, it's possible they're Just Not That Into A Relationship.

If you're just out for a good time you can't be living a soulful life and my guess is you don't believe you have a soul.  Through growth I learned I want to fall in love with a person's soul and them with mine.  To live a conscious life and not use sex as a building block to fall in love.  Once I started to feel that connection between myself and my soul and address why I gave it up took quick...life changed for the better.  As a child, although I was loved, many times I felt abandoned and rejected.  As an adult, I unknowingly chose situations to experience that pain, in order to heal those wounds.  Joy and laughter, silliness and fun have re-entered my life. Excuse me for now, it's time to go dancing!