Friday, 22 August 2014

Time on its own does not heal.

After a few months of sitting around a table listening to stories from women speak about their alcoholic husbands and families during Al-Anon meetings, stories that have gone on for as long as 25 years, I learned and I moved on.  Never will I forget reading in a Carolyn Myss book - these organizations are wonderful, but you can get stuck in anything too long.  Getting involved with a man whom after a few years of being separated, still had no desire to move on because he had been so badly burned and hurt from his marriage.  Listening to a friend speak of her experiences in grief counseling over a course of a few months, while like myself, heard stories from others that continued for many years.  Looking back on all these events one thing came to mind - time on its own does not heal all wounds.  

During my reading with Stacey we spoke extensively while my father gave his input, about an argument my mother and I had recently. The pain and the hurt she experienced during the final years with him and after their marriage ended, was never healed.  It has been over forty years, time on its own has not healed her wounds.  We all need a grieving period and then we must take action.  If we bury and suppress the pain it will never completely go away and it will have an effect on the rest of our lives. That pain will come out in some form, be it through further interactions with people, our next relationship, as illness in the body or very possibly all three.  

I am not qualified to tell you how to heal your pain, but I can share the many factors that have contributed to my healing, as we all have our own path.  What I can tell you, is like anything, it takes work.  Healing doesn't come magically by letting years pass by, thinking...if I just forget the pain and put it behind me, it will just go away.  My father didn't realize the damage that had been done by not healing his wounds until he crossed over to the other side and so we are healing our relationship, ourselves, in a very different manner, through heaven and earth. 

I took action some seven years ago and attended a health fair.  I began attending meetings to learn more about natural ways to heal the body.  This led to my dear holistic nutritionist friend connecting me to a medium and in that session my whole family came to support my journey, the beginning of my healing.  I began researching, reading, spending money, not on luxuries, but to explore meditation, energy healing amongst many other things.  I prayed, I attended workshops, I took responsibility for my part in relationships that I had been involved in, expressing gratitude for both good and challenging times.  I journaled and I continually put into practice everything I was learning.  I cried, I spent time alone and I opened up to hear what others wanted to share with me, whether I wanted to hear it or not.  I found Stacey and in our sessions I have the intention of following the guidance she, my guardian angels, guides and father provide with determination to learn my lessons along the way.

The work has been paying off.  My guides, for the time being, are bringing me lessons that I can learn while having fun and Stacey advises me to keep it light and not complicated while doing mental check-ins as I make new connections.  When darkness appears, it also disappears with no serious harm done.  I believe there are so many good things to follow and so in 25 years I will not be repeating the same story, I'll be speaking about all the wonderful experiences I have had along the way.  Time + action = healing.

Friday, 15 August 2014

Prayers needed, I'm doing my part. Are you?

Testing testing, feels as though many of us are getting pushed to our limits.  The world is uneasy.  I turned on the news...once.  Once was enough to observe images of war, Iraqi people fleeing to the mountains, dead children being left behind, Israel and Palestine, then Ukraine and finally the Ebola outbreak.  Amongst all this, outpouring of posts on Facebook like I've never seen before when news spread of Robin Williams's death, followed by one report after another about depression.  It is important to know what is going on in the world, but I am not required to wallow in it.  Being a sensitive person, there is only one thing that brings comfort to my psyche, my spirit, my soul...prayer.  With the presence of God I will never be alone.  Without prayer it would be far too easy to fall into depression in moments I do feel alone and life isn't going exactly as I would like it to.

I can't say I'm surprised.  The spiritual people I have followed for years have spoken about difficult times ahead.  For quite some time my own family in spirit have said they would rather stay where they are because they don't want to be here for what lies ahead, although they are more than happy to help me when I ask.  Am I scared, worried or falling into depression?  Because of faith I feel protected and needed to continue my prayers for those who believe and for those who do not.

Prayer warriors are needed more than ever.  It is obvious with all that is going on around us, our faith is being tested.  I pray for more people to awaken and to pray.  What have you got to lose?  This confuses me.  Do you lose what you believe in?  If you don't believe in a higher power, then what are you losing?  Is it science that you believe in?  I manage to believe in science and a higher power, both are possible.  I suppose fear has something to do with it.  Fear of the unknown.  I believe the best things in life come through challenges.  Awakening is the ultimate challenge because it requires believing in something we cannot see, touch or rationalize.  I will always be a little bit of this and a little bit of that, not one particular religion, not choosing between science and faith and I see that as balance.  This is where I think our universe is heading...for the two to emerge.  In fact I'm seeing it happen, slowly.  

Peace is needed within as much as peace is needed in our world.  Would it hurt to at least try and see what happens?  Almost everyday a situation is brought to my attention that requires a prayer. Each time I feel better for doing my due diligence, for giving back for the life God has given me for as long as I am meant to be here.  It is why I believe we are given this gift of life and why it's such a terrible tragedy when someone makes the decision to commit suicide.  God does not want that, but in all of life there is good and evil.   I feel divinely protected because I have faith.  I flow through life with greater ease and accept the challenges when they arrive, never for a moment sinking so low that I would even consider taking my life or harming another.  It is why I experience the kindness of others, when I am kind to them.  It is why others pray for me on this journey through good times and for lessons I am here to learn.  If only, if only, we all believed in prayer.

I try and say this prayer each day from the book titled...The Four Agreements.

Thank you, Creator of the Universe, for the gift of life you have given me.  Thank you for giving me everything that I have ever truly needed.  Thank you for the opportunity to experience this beautiful body and this wonderful mind.  Thank you for living inside me with all your love, with your pure and boundless spirit, with your warm and radiant light. Thank you for using my my words, for using my eyes, for using my heart to share your love wherever I go.  I love you just the way you are, and because I am your creation, I love myself just the way I am.  Help me to keep the love and the peace in my heart and to make that love a new way of life, that I may live in love the rest of my life.  Amen. 

Friday, 8 August 2014

If you give it away, he may just go away.

'We messaged, he asked me out, I slept with him the first night'.  I hear this way too often.  Maybe some of us have done it once and figured out if you want a chance at developing a relationship, it's not going to work out if you give it all up right away.  Sometimes we have to learn the hard way, what seems like a good idea at the time backfires when you realize you want to get to know the person and it's too late. There's nothing worse than someone being aloof the following day and then saying they need their space.  Call me crazy, but shouldn't you grow closer together after sex, instead of growing apart? is meant to be a spiritual bond.

Roles seem to be reversing, more and more women are turning into what we despised in men and for some reason they think it's a good thing, even empowering.  Not!  And if a man sees you as merely a good time, many will have a hard time getting past that and won't bother getting to know you.  There are always exceptions to the rule, but it doesn't happen often so why risk it?  

I'm surprised to hear a twenty-something guy tell me, it's the girls that only want to have sex.  Well it does take two to tango, both jumped in or shall we say...on, too fast.  What he now wants is words - messaging and conversation.  The roles are reversing and I'm glad this is what I'm hearing from men.  It's a wonder women are complaining guys don't do anything for them - take them out, have fun, be silly, enjoy that passion in everything.  Let's face it, once the mystery is gone, what ends up happening?'re staying in far more than you're going out, the pattern has begun.

I believe friendship needs to develop first.  The passion you found in your own life starts to mesh with your partner and you enjoy it together and then you have a far better chance of living a life of passion in every way.  Having a man respect you and one that is happy to just spend time with you...that's empowering.  If they don't want to follow the steps and stick around, well there is a book written about it...He 's Just Not Into You.  My take on that..sometimes it isn't always that they don't want you, but that they may not be in a place in their lives they want anything more than a non-committed physical connection...haha, that's my way of putting it in a nice way.  Speaking from a past experience which involved many conversations and a mutual understanding, it's possible they're Just Not That Into A Relationship.

If you're just out for a good time you can't be living a soulful life and my guess is you don't believe you have a soul.  Through growth I learned I want to fall in love with a person's soul and them with mine.  To live a conscious life and not use sex as a building block to fall in love.  Once I started to feel that connection between myself and my soul and address why I gave it up took changed for the better.  I like what I'm attracting and I feel better about myself.  Joy and laughter, silliness and fun have re-entered my life.  

We messaged, and we messaged and we messaged some more.  We talked and talked and talked some more.  We went out and explored what is beyond these four walls.  If things elevate, it should be special, and doubt must not enter the mind. Everything in life should be experienced consciously.  Should it end, as life is meant to be enjoyed in the moment, I will continue to have good memories to look back on, but no longer with feelings of rejection.  Excuse me while I go get ready, my date is taking me out!

Sunday, 3 August 2014

Find your passion, and feel it in all that you do...

A life without passion is fatal.  I have been blessed with lovers, lovers with a passion for music.  My husband would get lost for hours listening to music while playing his guitars, occasionally singing along. After we moved on I intersected with a man, and a few weeks later I received a video through an email, a beautiful song.  I will never forget that moment - sitting at my desk, Christmas was only a few days away and my tears flowed as I listened to something completely new for me...Notre Dame de Paris 19.  I felt so incredibly connected to my father and I played it endlessly for weeks.  He continued to send me music to describe his feelings and as a way to connect before we met on New Years Eve.

Turn back the clock one year, a message had been sitting in my inbox and somehow I missed it, and so I was meant to have my last intersection.  Only after the relationship ended did I see the message and my long awaited reply was immediately acknowledged. Conversation ensued.  What is a standard question...'what are you doing this evening?' became memorable because of his response...'listening to sultry jazz.'   When we were together he sang, and I melted.  Both Michael Buble fans, I enjoyed the music he played for me and sent me on occasion.  Months later, even though the relationship had ended, we had a brief encounter followed by another song, which I listened to within minutes this time...Necessary Evil by Nikki Yanofsky.  

A more recent connection brought new music into my life... Giovanni Marradi, Just for You, on a day I wasn't feeling well.  He called Giovanni his medicine. Again music touched my soul and brought tears to my eyes, I felt as though different forms of healing were taking place.  I didn't have to know why, I just knew I had to it let it go and let it out.  I encouraged him to follow his passion of a career in music.

As I listened to a friend speak of the lost intimacy and passion in her marriage I immediately can you express intimacy when you have lost your passion for life?  She's not even talking about sex, it's about touch, being held and feeling loved.  A passionate kiss can be intensely gratifying and a step towards...well you know.

This is where I'm at.  I'm learning to live a life of passion in everything I do - when I cook, when I eat, when I write, when I research, when I take pictures, when I travel, when interacting with others, creating a new style, going for a walk, dancing, kissing and yes, listening to music.  When you allow your creativity to flow, when you feel the passion, your intimate moments will be explosive.  When you feel it within, then you can effectively express it to another.  Too many people have lost their way and they are blocked.  Relationships are suffering and breaking up, such a terrible shame.  There are people searching elsewhere for something they haven't found in themselves.  Although I have experienced a few heartbreaks, I continue to remember them fondly as I continue to learn passion and feel it in every way on this musical journey.

Thursday, 24 July 2014

Her name is Eve.....

She's an observer with a curious mind,
studying patterns when people get lost along the way.

She feels such joy empowering others,
as she waits for a smile, an expression,
or a spark to light up their eyes.

She loves to reveal her creativity, 
as much as savoring it in others,
thru art, fashion, photography and writing.

She's rediscovering her passion for life,
thru silliness, laughter or getting lost in the music,
as she dances the night away.

Thru meditation and contemplation, 
she finds stillness and solitude,
she prays to God to continue to show her the way.

She was born highly sensitive, a trusting spirit,
her compassion has not always served her well.

She's moving forward and reclaiming her power,
as she peels back a thousand veils that cover her soul.

She is bound and determined to learn her lessons,
thru joy and love, heartbreak and pain,
as she awaits her knight in shining armor,
to arrive one day.

Her name is Eve.

Thursday, 17 July 2014

The upside of social networking, a special shout out to Facebook!

After giving online dating a bit of a hard time in a previous blog, today I'd like to focus on the positive side of the social network world we live in now, specifically Facebook.  Some may see it as a waste of time, but I thoroughly enjoy it.  How else could I connect to amazing people around the world that have become my Facebook family and also learn new things about co-workers and friends close by. A family of like minded people that post their pictures, adventures, thoughts and wealth of knowledge.  There's a never ending discovery of videos, beautiful music, paintings, photography, articles and affirmations that we share amongst each other and something will touch each of our souls in a different way.  Many share their incredible creativity that we are all so fortunate to watch as they grow and develop their craft over the years, we all have something to contribute.  I've made connections in Australia, Dubai, Malaysia, Europe, Hawaii, England, all over Canada and the United States - the list keeps growing!  My dream is to travel to many places, how awesome would it be to know someone in every part of the world?! 

Our lives are so busy these days, but those of us that enjoy the land of Facebook find time to connect with one another.  If I feel as if I'm letting other things slide, such as reading a good book, I consciously make an effort to find some balance again, modern technology can easily consume hours at a time as many of us know.  If meditation is as important to you as it is for me and you suddenly feel there isn't enough time in the day, ask yourself if you're spending too much time checking the latest posts, I know it's easy to do when you have a curiosity like mine.

There are people that don't trust posting their information in fear something may happen.  It's why I include in my prayers..'thank you that I am divinely protected' that I don't have to live in fear.  I share my journey and my most personal thoughts and experiences to help others and when your intention is to serve others, negativity does not follow.  Should it find a way to creep into our lives, those of us who know better, will see it as a lesson and grow from it.  

I use this platform of social networking to spread the positive side of life as I am a firm believer you attract what you put out and I love what I'm attracting!  I smile, I laugh, I pause and I digress.  I learn, I teach, I feel joy and I feel one with with my spiritual friends.  When I read posts about a family member who has crossed over, a sick friend or an injury they have suffered, I am grateful to have the opportunity to say a prayer for them.  I feel the love from prayer warriors all over the world and I have the opportunity to see when prayers are answered.  May we always stay connected and may our families continue to grow!  Thanks Facebook.

Friday, 11 July 2014

Healing through tears that were ready to flow.

A wave of emotions came over me, don't start crying in the middle of the sidewalk, remember, if you're emotionally shot, go to water. Just a few more minutes and there's a spot by the creek to duck from passersby.  Made it, barely, let it out, and so I did.  Yesterday I spent an hour receiving healing in one of John of God's crystal beds close to my home town.  My instructions were 'to chill' the first night.  Since I had received another letter from my mother earlier that day, thought it best to wait before opening it.  And so when the morning arrived I decided not to put it off any longer and like a band aid being ripped off, I read it as fast as I could before heading out for my walk.

Okay, I released another layer of pain, wow that one came from deep down, I didn't even know it was there.  I'm good now, haven't cried like that in a long time, should be safe to continue, well maybe best I cut it short and head for home.  Shoot, next wave is coming, nowhere to hide this time and there's someone up ahead, great.  Walk fast and turn your head, he won't even notice.  I can see my house now, and I'm in, whew!  That last release was a big one as this time it's not as intense.  Now it's time to write, as crying, writing is healing, so I let it flow through tears and through words.  I am so grateful for my friends that have helped me thru this period of emotional release.  It is no coincidence that I recently connected to one of them.  When she speaks of her own mother I feel as if she's talking about mine, while another friend sent messages of support and yet another sees I am not my mother, but my father's daughter, helping me maintain my sanity through all of this.  

I spent so long trying to figure out how to heal this relationship between my mother and I.  I believed I needed to keep trying to fix it, to save it and to save her, but once again it blew up in my face.  Her need to control has resurfaced and brought me right back to my younger days.  She has instructed me to only communicate through writing for the next while and this time I agree it's for the best, it's her way of coping thru difficult times.  Neither of us learned boundaries and now the lines are drawn.  Sending her love from a distance, while protecting myself from the toxicity within this relationship is essential to keeping further illness from occurring.  This is how disease manifests in the body and so I needed to release another layer of anger and  pain that has been buried all these years.  I sat down, wrote my response and spoke my truth for the first time, now I let go and let God.

The journey is most certainly not always easy, but without my perseverance in continuing my learning and healing within, I would not be connecting to amazing people that love and support me.  I choose to not repeat the generational pattern...being isolated, feeling victimized, threatened and attacked by everyone I cross paths with.  Love is the best medicine, thank you dear friends.