Thursday, 19 November 2015

I don't mind being nuts.

My dad found it on the other side, my mom in her seventies, finally found it here.  Both parents are helping me on this journey after all these years.  Many people would think I'm nuts to believe in what I do.

I saw a sign close to my house.  It read distress hotline volunteers needed.  Can I do this?  I tell myself to focus on the training first, try not to jump too far ahead or I'll find a way to talk myself out of it.  I'm pushing through my fears.  The training has helped with my personal growth journey and I have made a new friend in class, I must be on the right path!  Looking around the room I sensed from the beginning she and I would have a connection.  We started talking and I couldn't believe how similar we are, a familiar soul who has had experiences and lessons I could relate to.  She is awakening and eager to learn about spirituality and I am excited to be in the company of a like-mind.  

She entered my life when I was going through a hard time and when I told her about life path numbers she asked me to calculate hers.  I couldn't believe my eyes, we're the same number!  I had to text her right away and loved her reply...'our paths were definitely meant to cross!'  She gets it, which makes it that much more enjoyable to share my world.  She's grateful to have someone to talk to about her ideas who doesn't think she's nuts!  I'm truly blessed for old and new friends.  I'm keeping my vision board because one of the things on there reads...I am meeting my soul group.  How many people are searching and making connections?  I learned so much about myself through my last relationship, a man who lives five minutes away.  My new friend lives seven minutes away in the opposite direction.  Some familiar souls are practically in our backyards! 

Training has just finished and we were all assigned a 'buddy' to help us on our first night before we go solo. Interesting, her name looked Hungarian, I had to ask via email if in fact she is.  An immediate reply...'yes I am! Not many pick up on that!'  My Hungarian father, my biggest supporter and guide up above must be helping me with yet another connection!  We all have souls above that want to help!  You just have to go out and live life and leave the rest to them!  A few years ago my father said he has no interest in coming back anytime soon, knowing what lies ahead.  Look at what is happening in our world!  It certainly wouldn't hurt to ask those above to help and I continually ask God to help us all.

What my parents both found is peace within.  I found it in my heart to forgive them for all the times I wish they were there for me and finally made peace with it.  My mother and I have never gotten along better and my dad said in my last reading 'I'm helping, I'm helping!!!'  If I'm a nut, at least I'm a happy, peaceful, divinely guided and protected nut.

Sunday, 8 November 2015

Growing up...part II

'You haven't asked about my son. Don't you care about me and the boys?'  As I try my best to let go, he continues to show me he's not running away, yet I feel like I'm being attacked.  'What happened?' I reply.  A trip to the hospital, another setback for his son that has dealt with cancer in the past. More tests, more worries and concerns and yet he's still not letting go of me.  I understand he is acting out of pain, but that doesn't justify his behavior towards me.  It's been a week of finding answers and acknowledging how many lessons I've learned to arrive at this point of the journey, I can say it has all been worth it.  But wait, class is still in session, we haven't finished learning from each other. I crack open a fortune cookie from last weekend...'you are going to pass a difficult test'.  Have I passed?  A girlfriend emails...'your test may still be ahead, maybe it has to do with his son.'  With a calm and rational mind I make the next move to try and show him I'm not going to completely abandon him, I still care, but yet don't want to mislead him into thinking the relationship can continue this way.

'How is your son?  I do care, but it's been hard for me to ask.  I have more clarity now, I am open to sharing, if you are interested.  I've needed time to figure things out, but I don't want to ignore you either.'  And almost immediately a response..'too much to text regarding my son.  Yes let's meet and I will listen as well.  I'm at physio, thanks for pushing me.' (Chronic pain he has been living with far too long).  

He's beginning to look after himself and behaving more like an emotionally mature adult and so that evening we talk openly and honestly, clearing up a few misunderstandings and miscommunications.  I explain I've been pushed almost to the point of no return and don't know what lies ahead, but I do know I need to set boundaries and not go back to the way things were or allow them to continue as they have of late.  His son's cancer may be back and he has a lot on his plate, this is not the time to focus on me. 

I feel as though I am in the midst of the most difficult part of the still be here in a sense without being in the middle of it, giving him an opportunity to find his own answers, trusting in a future that is so unknown.  It's not fair to me to be solely relied upon for emotional support, I'm not even a part of this family, they still have much healing to do.  I pray with me not consuming so many of his thoughts, he reaches out for help.  To do it for me will not work, to make him go will not work either, it's all up to him.  I make no promises of a future, but I set a reasonable timeline of two weeks to touch base.  This gives him a chance to begin to focus on himself, his son and his other boys.  We can't 'start over' or we'll end up right back here again. We both have to learn from the past if we are to have a chance at a future.

I am not disappearing, I am protecting myself and I am living.  I don't deserve his pain and anger, he needs another outlet and because he truly loves me, he is accepting my offer, and would have even if I said two months.  What will happen?  Will anything happen?  He pushed through his fears after the loss of his wife, now he's faced with looking at himself and finding a way to communicate with his boys the way she once did or maybe even better, as there are some things she never had a chance to learn.  I can't do it for him, something I only understand now after failed attempts.  This certainly will not be any easier than taking care of their necessities of life, in fact probably harder.  Add to it he is dealing with his son's illness, but his boys need him to understand emotional immaturity, to be willing to learn and to grow.  It will benefit them all and only then can we have a healthy relationship.  For now I can give him the best gift there is....absence to find his way.  There are people praying for this family, thank you.  God help them, they really need you.  

I came across a great article after writing my previous blog.  To find it search emotionally immature people @ 

Monday, 2 November 2015

Growing up is not easy at any age!

I learned a lot in a relationship;  patience, tolerance, acceptance, understanding and supporting their emotional needs.  All things I want my partner to think and feel about me.  He taught me to ride it out and not jump ship when issues came up because he didn't run away, but something happened along the way, he fell off that path of opportunity to grow, learn and ultimately emotionally grow up.  What I didn't realize is I still had some growing up to do myself.  

Then an epiphany!...after a conversation with a friend who has been described by others as a psychiatrist and boy she would have been a good one!  Add her strong faith, a double bonus as she is an open vessel, receiving her guidance from God.  We spoke about my relationship and how over time he stopped listening, my emotional needs weren't being met and the communication began to fall apart.  Instead of acting like an emotionally mature adult, he blamed others, taking no ownership for his part, wanting me to believe in what he believed in and then I realized he was trying to mould me into his life, instead of us moulding into each other's lives. Thankfully I also learned to stay true to myself.  My friend asked me 'what are you doing with an emotionally immature guy?'  I didn't have an answer at the time and then I took time to think about it.  He's a good man who loves me (no doubt about that), incredibly smart, has a stable job, a nice home, kept his vow 'until death do us part', taking care of his wife and kids when she got sick and has been a single parent for a few years, having more hardship to endure.  The image I had was one of a grown up, but all these things don't constitute emotional maturity.  

Having more growing up to do myself, I attracted a man like this, and as always I am grateful for the many things I've learned.  A sign of maturity, taking ownership!  One way to grow and learn is to see yourself in the other person as opposed to blaming the other when things go south.  I continued to delve deeper, reverting back to childhood, where everything begins and how it relates to the now.  I had two thoughts....I felt like I missed out, not having two parents, as so many people out there, especially these days, and so I've been told I'm like a kid, reliving the years I lost.  What I'm learning is the difference between acting like a kid and simply having fun like a kid, nothing wrong with the latter.  Secondly, pretty much everything I needed to learn about relationships, neither of my parents taught me.  How could they teach me something they hadn't learned themselves?  They split up not long after I was born, still not learning as the years went on, leaving me to figure it out for myself.  Some people will place blame on their parents, I did.  Some will use them as an excuse by saying 'but that's how I was raised'.  At what point do you start being an adult and thinking for yourself?  The minority of people will one day begin their own journey of self discovery, I did.  

How many parents today still have no idea the extent of what their child will endure if they bail out of their marriage just because things get 'too hard'?  Unless there's abuse, they need to stay for the sake of their children.  Once you decide to have kids you need to accept the responsibility that goes along with it, not just by being there but teaching them when they're young and into adulthood.  I didn't need to have kids to figure that out, I lived it as a kid by not having those teachings.

All the parents 'bailing' are teaching their kids to do the same one day.  How many kids right now are not learning what they need to from their parents?  How many parents blame the kids or their spouse for the way they turned out?  Everyone is blaming everyone!  And you wonder why our society is so messed up!  It's going downhill and quick.  So many kids are not being taught, discipline is not what it used to be, hence they are not growing up and some are either still at home or returning home well into their twenties or even later!  At least I had some stability, having grandparents in the home probably made the difference in the discipline I received and that discipline helped me eventually find the strength to learn some very hard lessons.  My parents couldn't figure out their own stuff and so I began my journey from age 14 of learning through male relationships, only I didn't understand that until my late forties! Interestingly my father died when I was 14 as well. Those two are connected!

Thank you to all the people that have been there for me. Thank you to the man that has just taught me so many lessons, by mirroring back what I still needed to see. Too bad he hasn't yet been able to look in the mirror and see or even try to see what he needs to work on as well.  I've learned everyone has their own moment of awakening. He has called me a kid and I am in some ways, but certainly no longer in the emotional way. 

For the first time ever, although I'm disappointed, I'm ok after a breakup, I can let go and allow them to find their way.  If they do, only then can we both find happiness together.  My faith is strong enough to believe, whatever is meant to be, will be.  As my father said from the other side...'to learn to love yourself more than your partner is a lesson I never taught you'.  This is why I believe he had a hand in helping me meet this man, he's teaching me now.  I'm growing up!

Wednesday, 9 September 2015

This thing called life!

Who is not struggling with something these days?  When I wasn't living a conscious life, it sure seemed easier at the time, when in fact it wasn't.  Looking back, living in denial took less effort.  Life is busy enough, why would I want to add to it by starting to look at wasn't working in my life.  But alas, the day arrived where I got jabbed with such pain it became unbearable.  Why do some of us stay in that pain and others find a way out?  A question I may never have an answer for.  Why did I choose to evolve and grow spiritually when it's been nothing but one lesson after another, certainly not an easy path to follow.  I've been jabbed more than once since that incident and there's been no turning back once I began this journey because I don't want to stay in excruciating pain for too long, the day in and day out discomfort is enough...a continuos work in progress. The only thing I do know to do now is every time I get hit hard, I have to turn up the notch on going within and do some more soul searching.

I'm finishing a thought provoking book written many years ago called The Road Less Travelled and a theory Scott Peck addresses to some of my questions is that it comes down to laziness.  The problem is many of us don't see ourselves as lazy, whether it be our families, jobs, running errands, household chores, we each have our lists.  We bust our butts just to get thru each day so how can we be lazy?  Because we don't want to put the work into ourselves and we'll find every excuse not to. We do what we want to do and then there is the have to list.  Meditating is interesting because what started as a want, has also become a have to.  Why?  I feel like I'm out of sync somehow if I don't check in with my soul and once I discovered how that feels, I can't seem to go too long without doing it.

Having embarked on a spiritual journey about eight years ago, I can see why it's no easy task, but the people that haven't begun living a conscious life would have no way of understanding how hard, yet rewarding it is.  I have to keep reminding myself everyone is doing only what they know how to to do.  It's how I found forgiveness for past traumas I've endured, whether it be in childhood or years later.  You can only do better when you know better and as Peck says, your unconscious knows better.  The challenge is to tap into that unconscious and why some of us consciously choose to connect with our unconscious? a mystery.  If I tried to come up with an answer, maybe it was that one friend praying for me to start this journey, but then it still doesn't answer the question as to why I pray for others and it isn't happening.  Is it that one day it will happen? What I don't know is how long it takes for prayers to be answered and so in order to build my own faith muscles, I must never give up.  And so prayer that begun as a want, also became a have to.  

Patience is one of the hardest lessons in life and so is letting go and allowing something bigger than us help in matters we have no control over...also a continuos work in progress.  As long as I stay consciously aware, I will continue to evolve, through trial and error, not beating myself up over things I could have done different, but simply learn and forge ahead.  Prayer is something we do for others without expecting anything back, it's completely selfless. So I continue to pray through this thing called life!  The world as we know it today, can use more prayers.

Sunday, 26 July 2015

How can you not believe?

Do you believe when two souls are destined to meet they will be drawn to each other over and over again, just waiting for the right moment?  When I was sixteen I was dating a guy who wasn't Italian, but lived in the heart of an Italian neighborhood.  I travelled to his parents house continuously for over a year.  More than thirty years later I met a man, this time an Italian, who grew up in that very same neighborhood.  As we drove around his old neighborhood he showed me where he used to hang out, a few blocks away from where I myself was hanging out. He was nineteen at the time when he met his future wife. They raised three beautiful sons and a few years ago she passed away.

I have written before how we seemed to cross paths in other ways at other times, even moving to the same cities, to end up where we are now, only a few minutes apart once again.  Nine months ago, the day had arrived when we were meant to stop crossing paths and run into each other.  There is always a plan, we just don't know what it is, but we need to learn what we have come here to learn, keep the faith and stay open.  

You can look back and trace the sequence of events, but the future will always be unknown.  I continue to say my prayers and trust in the plan.  If it's true his late wife and my father helped from above to bring us together, it takes 'a match made in heaven' to a whole other level. Thank you that I am divinely guided and protected and that everything is happening in divine order.  Please put me on path, please help me out, I just want to figure it out, are just a few of my daily prayers.  In order to receive, it helps to believe.  

As we drove around that Italian neighborhood, he turned to me and said, "so you really believe in this stuff?"  I replied, "how can I not?"

Friday, 3 July 2015

Control is complicated!

Don't tell me what to do, but you better listen to me! Isn't control one of the biggest ironies in life?  I don't think anyone likes to be controlled, but yet we do it and can't see when we do it and certainly wouldn't admit we do it!!  We let ourselves off the hook by calling it, hmmmm, let's see....helping, suggesting, counseling or better yet, providing guidance, and what a fine line it is between control and guidance.  When someone doesn't ask for help you can call it whatever you want, but it's still control and it's a lesson that repeats itself over and over again in so many different ways.  I grew up with two extremes, a father who wasn't an active part of my life and then passed away when I was fourteen, and a mother that thought controlling me right down to who I was allowed to be friends with, was for my own good.

As I get older I actually find it a more challenging lesson.  I have wisdom that continues to grow and I want to share it by telling others what to do!  Now I'm in a relationship with a man who has three sons at home that are not young children anymore.  They are all science minded and even though dad has faith, it's not the same as mine.  Can you blame him when he has suffered the loss of his wife and is dealing with his eldest having cancer that has resurfaced, something I can't possibly relate to.  He can't stop asking why.  Why would God do this?...but he still continues to pray.

I'm not only a woman, a woman surrounded by all guys. A woman with different beliefs and a woman that never had kids!  Talk about a lesson!  Even with all this wisdom I have gained, haven't I tried to tell him what to do over and over again.  There's an upside to this wisdom, I gained more awareness and eventually caught myself, but it's taking time to exercise this form of control...a work in progress.  I still haven't connected to his sons as much as I'd like to and that will take time given what they have and what they are going thru, I have no control over that.  Poor dad has suffered most from my 'guidance' as I tried many times to 'help' him. Through this relationship I now know what it feels like for parents to want to tell their kids what to do, but step back and let them figure stuff out for themselves.  It's amazing that if you are meant to learn certain lessons, you will, regardless if you made different choices in life, like myself, by not having kids,

How difficult it has also been to stop continuously telling him counseling might help.  Not only can't I try to 'counsel' them, I can't keep 'suggesting' they get counseling.  So I did what I have done before, set up counseling for myself to help me deal with the unknowns I am faced with and how to cope.  Years ago, as I was dealing with my marriage falling apart, I didn't find a few sessions automatically fixed everything, but I know now it opened me up to receive, which led to me figuring things out in my own time.  My favorite counseling is spiritual through readings where I get advice from my guides and family on the other side, but that's enjoyable and easier because mostly I just sit and listen.  With a counsellor I have to be vulnerable and do the talking.  

You know how I said guidance and control is a fine line? Didn't my closest girlfriend 'suggest' counseling years ago?  Did I go?  No.  What I did was open up and tell her my struggles, which was really a cry for help and she threw me a life preserver.  Eventually I grabbed hold of it and went when I was ready.  I remember at my last session the counsellor was almost disappointed it was over as she wanted to know what was going to happen with me.  Well it's four years later and she's about to find out!  I know I'm ready when I'm a bit nervous, but looking forward to it at the same time.  I have it all under control....hahahaha.

Sunday, 26 April 2015

Dad, I'll go to Auschwitz one day.

I'll say it again... life has been busy for many of us, but if we really want to do something that matters to us, we find a moment....eventually.

After many months I returned to Stacey, my spiritual counsellor and my connection to my father on the other side.  Although he handed the platform over to my boyfriend's late wife, which I have to say was much more than I could have imagined, thank you for your help, he had a few words to pass on and one special message...

"I have one request, it doesn't have to be now, but at some point think about the trip you need to take to Auschwitz and Hungary.  You're going to discover a lot. You will find out stuff about family and I need you to experience this. I know you don't feel you have enough information to go on, but I will help you make connections along the path and one thing will lead to another to another.  You're extremely intuitive so you'll go to at least one of these destinations and have visions and you'll know and you'll feel me.  I will be with you. It'll be the first time in your physical life where you will come back and say...I truly felt a being beside me, it was cold and I felt a warm body next to me and I knew it was my dad.

I understand you've been sidetracked of late, but I need you to say one day you will go and mean it.  This is about family history and I need you to know and find out about things, things that will help settle your heart.  This is part of your journey and I don't want you to lose sight of a journey you know you need to complete."

Thanks dad and as you said, I love and adore you and I too wish that you could come and give me hugs, but maybe that wish will come true when I go on this journey and step on the ground of the concentration camp where you spent time as a young boy and where your father was murdered.  I can't even imagine what that was like, alone and afraid in a horrific place.  I will go one day, I mean it...xoxo