Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Shake it off!

It was the first time I saw him shed a tear.  He continually surprises me, the last time being New Year's Eve.  It had taken me a few weeks to find inspiration to write again.  He had never shown interest in my writing, but this time, shortly after I posted my last blog mentioning he didn’t read it, didn’t he ask me to read them to him later that night.  Panic set in and he began messaging me with one question after another…’Who reads your blogs?  Do they know who you are?  How detailed do you get in your writing?’  I tried my best to satisfy his concerns ultimately asking he wait until later when we’re together.

Then it was my turn, my moment of panic...what if I scare him off? Would I stop writing if he doesn’t like it?  Next, self-doubt…maybe I am sharing too much, I should just stop, it’s not worth sacrificing my relationship.  The mind races and I tend to overthink, often!  A few hours passed and I had a little talk with myself...ok give your head a shake, be true to yourself, you write from the heart with only good intentions.  If he's meant to stay in my life he will.  This is where faith and prayer come in and I leave all concerns, big and small, in the hands of God.  I even talk to my father and this man's late wife, asking for their help from above.

And so as I read about his family, us, my inner most thoughts, he listened with closed eyes, wiping his tears away and simply said...'beautiful, I am touched.'  We all have moments of doubt and worry and then we must work through them and let them go.  My egoic mind in the past would have wasted an entire day worrying about what someone else thinks which always resulted in doing what I thought would please others, putting my needs second. That's been a big obstacle for me to overcome and although it creeps in sometimes, I shake it off.  I'm just gonna shake shake shake it off as Taylor Swift declares in her music.

It’s been such a long journey in learning my self-worth.  I am finding balance in expressing kindness, caring and compassion within a relationship, while remaining my true self.  It's been challenging to find my power without steamrolling over the other, a constant conscious effort that has taken a few relationships to achieve. Ultimately I have been lead to someone who is willing to work on it together.  We have talked through issues as they come about and when I shake off my worry that I may lose him and regain my senses and say to myself…wait a minute, if he chooses to leave I’m going to be okay, but so far so good, he likes all of me and hasn’t jumped ship.  I could have spent the rest of my life feeling victimized for each and every scenario that created feelings of abandonment since I was a child, but instead I woke up one day and realized every relationship has been in my life to help me awaken and finally, once and for all, learn this lesson!  Since I put this blog together he has sat down and read many more entries from the past and what do you know, he's still here :)

Saturday, 10 January 2015

The letting go continues as I begin a new chapter...

He made me a necklace from his ruby birthstone and bought me my birthstone, a sapphire necklace for Christmas.  Little did he know the last man to give me sapphires was my father 35 years ago before he passed away.  A few years ago I had sold my father's sapphires looking for extra money and a spiritual friend told me..'he has returned them to you'.

I had accepted the fact that I would spend another New Year's Eve on my own, I even wrote my last blog about it, which by the way he doesn't read, and then that evening he asked me to pick him up outside his home and go for a coffee.  Little did I know he had been planning a little surprise.  When I arrived he asked me to park in the driveway and invited me in to meet his sons and then said..'surprise, I'm cooking a feast for New Years Eve tomorrow and I want you to join us.'  We've been careful about bringing me into his sons' lives and so I was shocked, knowing this was a big step for him.  As he showed me around I sensed a nice energy in his home and then one by one each boy entered the kitchen, shaking my hand and returning to their rooms.  One eyeballed me a little more intensely and I remembered their father telling me his wife had said before she passed...'he will have a more difficult time accepting you moving on one day'.  New Years's Eve was a beautiful evening.  His eldest has now completed radiation and awaits the results, but carries on as normally as he possibly can, never complaining.

A family that has endured so much, still grieving the loss of a mother and wife who was a valuable part in their lives.  My prayer is to bring joy and light into their home while not trying to replace their mother.  As I proceed carefully and cautiously, I also believe these four males could benefit from a female energy, a big undertaking and moving slowly is something new for me.  For once I'm not going all in, I'm not merely infatuated, but living in reality, questioning my relationship from time to time, while still enjoying the process.

I dreamt of roses last night, carefully picking thru the wilted ones to find one and then another beautiful pink one in a room that held significance of my last relationship.  I read this roses represent fresh love, new romance and wilted ones can signify the end of something such as a relationship.  The previous man I was in a relationship with over a year ago has moved on and I have also on a conscious level, but it shows me how long it takes to clear out these feelings on a subconscious level and so I worked it out in dream state.  Thankfully I remembered the details when I woke up this morning to a beautiful new day and the next chapter of my life.

Tuesday, 30 December 2014

Letting go..only when I'm good and ready!

'Wow, I can't believe when I was ready to let go, only then did a new door open that brought me someone I truly deserve.  I didn't think it would happen, but now I believe it.  What was I thinking, remaining hopeful for a guy who didn't want what I wanted....a commitment.'...said a friend to me recently.

How many of us have done this?  When we are in it, we don't want to see it and who wants to feel rejected?  Instead of seeing that we are worthy of love we ask ourselves...'what did I do wrong?'  It's never wrong to ask yourself the hard questions, but we can't beat ourselves up either and take full responsibility when there are two parties involved, I have been guilty of that far too many times. Having been raised by my grandparents, I remember as a child wondering why my parents weren't there for me.  By not knowing the answers, I instead asked myself, 'what did I do wrong?'...and so I continued this thought pattern throughout my teens and adulthood.  Even in my forties when my mother got drunk after we argued, crashed her car, said..'it's all your fault.'  Now at the age of 49, over Christmas Eve dinner, my mother admits to going off track during part of her life, but still thinks my childhood was great.  I had to accept she may never see it and let go.

This time last year I was in excruciating pain, feeling unloved and lonely, the worst New Years Eve I had ever experienced.  I had spent four days alone in a cold house during an ice storm reaching out to a man that I actually thought might be interested in beginning a relationship, boy was I wrong!  But when I was smack dab in it, I was convinced I could just enjoy his company now and again and eventually he would commit.  I no longer felt I had done anything wrong, but I still didn't value my worth quite enough and I was nowhere near letting go.

Now here I am, another year has gone by.  Thankfully I can look back and see how simply not engaging physically was not enough, I had to let go emotionally and that takes time.  You can't put a timeline on emotions, you need to feel each one and only then move on.  Once I did, a wonderful man entered my life, but little did I know I would face other challenges and my body never ceases to send me messages.  Thankfully the messages are not as harsh and I have been able to work through them as the days go by.

The holidays can be difficult when I have familiar feelings of loneliness.  Everywhere I turn families are celebrating and lovers are ringing in the new year.  This year is similar, yet different.  This man is dealing with a son battling cancer and it is too much, too soon, to bring me into his family, but he has spent as much time as he can with me, reassuring me that he wants to continue our relationship.  How hard is it to find yourself in a similar circumstance from the past and wonder, why?....extremely! Logically my mind says I am fine, I understand what he is dealing with, but I can't control my emotions and they have run amuck lately.  My brain questions everything as I try my best to live in the moment, yeah right.  I've gone through an emotional roller coaster, feeling great one day and blue the next, just like my childhood and it doesn't it help that last New Years Eve is still very fresh in my mind. There are familiar feelings going on, fortunately in a far lesser degree and the men are not the same are not the same, I am not the same and because I have learned and grown, the lesson is not entirely the same.  If what I want is to share my life with someone and be a part of a family, then I have to learn from the past and not live in fear that I will repeat it.

So I let go and let God.  I chant the serenity prayer, and I ask God...'if this is not the man I am meant to be with, please don't allow it to go on'..and I wait.  After some difficult conversations, he's still here and so we carry on.  Boy am I ever glad I let go, in more ways than one.

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Grateful for healing prayers, I dedicate this one to Anthony.

When news arrived that his son Anthony has to battle cancer again, he broke down quietly where no one could see him.  He's frightened as last time it had progressed to stage four in a very short time.  I immediately reached out to everyone I know to ask for prayers of healing and I am grateful to all who are lending their support, thank you.

I believe in the power of prayer as I witness incredible outcomes on a continual basis.  Prayer does not absolve us from challenges, but it gives us strength and also peace to leave that which is just too much of a load to carry, in the hands of God.  God's children are each and everyone one of us and you are all showing me how fortunate I am to have connected to you.  My faith has brought me a beautiful gift, to have the strength to be a part of this family and to provide comfort and encouraging words along with laughter to a man that is facing more difficulty on his path.  I have learned so much over the years and I am more than ready to walk this path with him and surround him with my energy while not allowing myself to get lost or drained in the process.  I now believe with God's help I have been preparing for this for a long time.

This father, an incredible family man he is, has brought so much into my life in only a few months time.  There is so much he has to deal with, but he always manages to show me how much he cares. When a man wants to be with you, nothing will stop him.  By letting him know I am here for him, giving him whatever space he needs, only decreases the space between us.

I believe my father and this man's wife are guiding us every step of the way and I say thank you to them as well.  I don't feel it's Anthony's time to join his mother, he dreams of becoming a pilot one day.  His father told his wife before she passed that he had a vision of Anthony in a pilot's uniform when he was battling cancer the first time, and I have to believe that dream will become reality one day.  Never give up on your dreams and continue to believe.  It has not been time to meet you yet Anthony, but I say a prayer for you each and every will be healed and live in good health again, may God and all of his angels surround you and your family with love and light.  Thank you that you are divinely protected.

Sunday, 7 December 2014

The unknown zone.

'I'm happy, but I'm sad' were his words to me yesterday.  His middle son just won a weight lifting competition, next the Pan Am games and possibly a future Olympian.  Proud father he is, but he's torn. His eldest boy is struggling, having undergone chemo for a spread of Hodgkin's Lymphoma in the past, to now have lumps begin to grow yet again.  The future is unknown.  Such a difficult path he has been walking, having both his late wife battling cancer while his son was in another hospital room.  Back and forth he ran, while having his other two sons at home waiting for him.

He's been both mother and father to his three boys for over a year now, working hard at a job that requires his complete focus.  He has moments and when he breaks down, he makes sure he is alone so his sons aren't witness to it.  Through all of this he manages to be silly, never losing his sense of humour.  He cooks and shops and cleans, making sure every day his boys are taken care of and loved.  He's supporting two boys in university, encouraging them to get their degrees.  When his youngest had a recent birthday, he woke up extra early to surprise him with a decorated room, so he wasn't forgotten in all that was happening around them.

Then along came moi.  Is he ready for a relationship?  The loss is still part of his struggles as he deals with excruciating pain through his back and shoulder, that shoots right thru his heart chakra, while he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders.  A pain I know all to well having experienced the exact same thing four years ago. I was dealing with loss in a different way.  I didn't realize my marriage was falling apart, and my body was trying to tell me something, I was in the unknown zone.  The answers eventually came and the pain subsided.

I began writing about my journey and lately I've returned to the zone of the unknown.  Do I continue to write?  Where is this relationship heading?  I want all the answers now, not next month, next week, not even tomorrow.  But today is a good day, I am inspired, and my relationship continues to move forward.  I have provided joy and fun into his life and mine.  He's much more than an Average Joe, and I am blessed to be walking this path together, thru tears and laughter.  Accept and embrace the unknown zone, trust that it's leading you somewhere.

Thursday, 20 November 2014

'He' and I have followed each other thru time...

We both entered Canada in 1965.  It was the year I was born and 'he' emigrated from Europe.  Do you believe if two people are destined to meet, they will?  When is the question and only God, the Universe has the answer.

In the late 70's I spent many weekends roller skating at The Terrace in Toronto, as did 'he'.  Did we skate right by each other all those years ago?  In the early 80’s I dated a guy who lived in the same neighborhood as 'he' did, and where his parents still reside.

Let’s move ahead to 1990.  I had met my husband and we desperately needed to find a place to live until we were ready to commit to buying a house and so in August we moved into an apartment we had found in just a few days.  Two months later 'he' bought a condo in the building right beside us and a few months later decided condo living was not for him, put it up for sale and bought his first home.  A year later my husband and I bought our first home in the neighboring town.

After ten years it was time to move from our home, the neighbourhood was changing and I was no longer happy there.  I was thrilled to find a new development going up in a quaint little town not too far away.  'He' wanted to leave his town as well and so he moved his family that same year to, yes the same quant little town.  How many times have we been at the same place at the same time?  Could we have walked right by each other in a store or on the street?

Eleven years later my husband and I separated and 'he' was embarking on a different journey that ultimately lead to a separation of a different kind.  I found a new home staying in the town I love so much.  ‘He’ spent day and night by his wife’s side as she battled cancer, which took her life two years later.  My struggles don't compare, but I lost men along the way, suffering heartbreak a few times.  The past year was about both of us working hard, finding the strength to carry on and find some happiness within.  It was a time of rebuilding our lives and preparing for what we had no idea was ahead of us, finally coming together.

'He' is the average Joe I have written about.  I had decided rather hesitantly to revisit online dating, but try a different site.  One late night something came over me and I felt compelled to sign up. After a month of disasters I contemplated throwing in the towel and then my Average Joe and I finally connected.  No more passing each other by, the Universe said the time had come to meet.  The question of when he and I were meant to collide has been answered, but the future remains uncertain, as he deals with the possibility his son could have a reoccurrence of cancer.  What is my purpose here?...only God knows what lies ahead.  Trust when two people are meant to meet, they will and if they both choose to walk the same path together from here on in, it will happen.

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Faith...lost, found or always there?

What a difference a day makes. One minute life seems so wonderful and the next I'm in excruciating pain.  This has happened before, debilitating back pain, I listen to my body and what keeps me going is knowing I'll get through it with a little bit of time and a lot of faith.  Never give up, that is never give up on God.  It is no coincidence that my mother had just told me she watched Joel Osteen on TV speak exactly about that..not turning your back on God, even in the most difficult moments.

There is no tougher test than physical pain when you feel alone and unsupported.  Your back is what supports you, but just because I know it doesn't necessarily give me a free pass not to have to experience it yet again.  Don't fight it, I tell myself and just surrender, not only to the pain, but to God.  It's always been a difficult time for me when there is very little family around, men that I have felt were not there for me, especially when I was struggling and now a relationship that is far to new to expect too much too soon.  I have learned not to blame anyone, but to see it as my issue and figure it out.  I now rely on God and trust he is with me every step of the way, helping me find the answers.  I have never believed as strongly as I do right now, that I am never alone, God is always with me and I'm not giving up on him.  If the body goes temporarily, the mind and spirit must not follow, but if they do, let it not continue on for too long, that's where you find yourself in depression or even worse where you just give up on God, yourself and your family, which can even lead to suicide, the worst tragedy of all.

Of all the people that have come and gone the first one that entered my thoughts was Christopher Reeve and so I watched a clip of an interview he did back in 2006. He didn't revisit his faith until after his injury.  There are countless people that have to undergo unbelievable events in their lives to find faith and a number still don't arrive at that point.  I myself found faith after my first encounter with what serious ongoing pain felt like.  Found faith, why would we use those words unless it was once lost?  I believe we all come into this world with faith and somewhere along the way, even as a small child we lose it because we were part of a family that didn't raise us to have faith, like Christopher Reeve, or for those who were, encountered something or someone along the way that influenced us enough to lose it.  This is my belief, and for all the science minded people out there, no I have no factual proof.

As the days go by I am getting more support.  God has not only brought me a wonderful man, but has placed me right around the corner from some amazing therapists that are helping me without resorting to harmful drugs.  My proof is what I observe all around me and the life I myself am living.  God is trying to help us to find what we lost or make sure we never let go of what we always had. Have you checked the lost and found box?  Faith may just be there waiting for you.