Saturday, 18 October 2014

Use your voice!

I have a voice and I’m using it.  A nasty reply was made to a comment I posted a year ago on Facebook in regards to an article on the healing properties of medicinal plants.  The only reason I saw it now is because a man in Italy asked if we could be friends based on that post.  That lead me to see a man from California defended me and I had also received many likes to my comment. Never have I thought my voice was being heard, but it has been for quite awhile!  I have been adding my two cents in now and again, not for any notoriety, but to simply use the voice I’ve been given.

My entire life I’ve been challenged with health issues in the throat area.  Everything from severe bouts of tonsillitis as a child into early adulthood, a sluggish thyroid and neck herniations.  I continue to be fascinated by the connection of our emotions to the messages our bodies are trying to send us that guide us to the lessons we are here to learn.  Still a work in progress, but I’m getting there one step at a time, one written word and one conversation at a time.

This brings me to online dating, I swore I would never revisit this again and if I did I wouldn’t admit to it through writing for everyone to see.  But it’s a part of my journey and what I don’t need is to keep quiet once again due to my fears of what others may think.  I always learn so much with everything I choose to take on, so here we go again.  Without feelings of desperation and neediness, I simply figured it’s a good way to meet people, if something lifelong comes of it, wonderful.

How ironic, ‘meeting’ someone took a bit of time.  I cannot get over what goes on in our world, but because I try to keep a good attitude, not getting angry or frustrated, I do my best to ride through each experience.  Experiences they have been!  I had one try to scam me, one that was looking for ‘a good time’, one that actually set up a meeting, then turned around and wished me well the day we were supposed to meet with no explanation.  Next came someone I really connected to through words and after four days of emails, poof!...he disappeared as well.  A couple more followed that just vanished, again with no explanation and I knew part of my learning was about letting go of the need to know.  I now have the confidence to not take it personally.  That need to know is really about trying to figure out what I might have done wrong instead of just letting it be and accepting it's all part of the learning process. By being honest and direct in every case, I used my voice and no harm was done.  I’ve now graduated to learning some lessons much quicker.

Three weeks later, do I bail?  Am I going to allow others’ behaviour dictate my actions?  I’m going to give this a fair chance…’que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be, the future’s not ours to see, que sera sera, what will be, will be’.  Doris Day sang some pretty meaningful words back in 1956.

I received an invite to meet for coffee from someone totally unexpected.  Instead of hesitating and putting too much thought into it, I agreed to meet that morning.  It was nice to actually converse with a real person face to face and we talked for hours. Between my learning and a fun day with someone that made me laugh, it’s made revisiting online dating worthwhile.

There are so many ways to use your voice, to be assertive and not aggressive and a favorable outcome is attracting people that will respect you and even help you see your worth.  Show the universe that you can work through whatever comes your way, that you are willing to learn, enjoy the ride and keep smiling.  I just made another connection through my word game, Ruzzle, and another new Facebook friend many miles away!

Friday, 10 October 2014

Thankful this Thanksgiving.

My computer crashed at work, after two days of failed attempts to repair it, I now await a new one.  The IT guys rolled their eyes as I made one of my off the wall comments about how the planets are effecting us these days, we just had a powerful full moon and total lunar eclipse.  Some are open as a coworker said...'that's possible, my home computer crashed for a few days.'   As always, it's how we ride through the storms, big or small.  It'll get done and the last of my concerns as I write, enjoying a tall latte at my favorite coffee shop at the end of my street as jazz plays in the background.  Kids slurping their hot chocolates covered with special sprinkles as they play checkers with their grandpa at the table beside me, a young couple enjoying a coffee together with their newborn by their side, a group of friends laughing and catching up with one another. Meanwhile the owner is having a difficult time, the freezer conked out, all the food was spoiled and he is restocking the new one.  He rolls his eyes with an attempt to keep smiling, says,..'it's been one of those weeks!'  Even in the midst of chaos, I still feel the positive vibes and why I enjoy time spent here.

Thanksgiving weekend has arrived, a time that can be filled with joy and laughter with family or feel sad and lonely for some of us that don't have many, if any of our clan left and no spouse and kids to call our own.  One day, although I kept it to myself, I felt a bit of that sadness and a beautiful friend graciously invited me for turkey dinner.  New people to meet, the host happens to have a Hungarian background which gives me a sense of closeness to my father, and I am not allowed to help in the cooking or cleaning, a pretty sweet deal actually!  Sadness quickly shifted to gratitude.  Time on my own is now balanced with friends, their family and a few of us loners this holiday weekend to gather together, fun!

My mother and I have gone through so many ups and downs over the years, I have written about our coming back together only for it to fall apart again.  Finally, I feel our latest blowout brought about the best reconciliation I could've asked for.  There is a sense of genuineness this time, a compromise, a setting of boundaries for the first time and a real honest conversation with the outcome of acceptance.  It took 49 years for my mother to understand that I have needed to learn through my own experiences and I think I have convinced her my father watches out for me from above, allowing me to learn while keeping me out of harms way, so she can let go of worry.  I know she loves and cares about me.  I am grateful for the love I have from both my parents, even though it wasn't easy for many years.

The men on my path, I can never forget them.  What I am most grateful for is how comfortable some of them are in their own skin, their confidence and lack of insecurity is why some of us can enjoy the connection that remains.  It is very difficult to be friends with the opposite sex, but whatever degree the friendship is, I'm grateful to enjoy our conversations from time to time.  The respect we share for each other warms my heart.

Although it should be a daily practice, as some of my Facebook friends maintain through their gratitude posts, try and fit into this Thanksgiving weekend an attitude of gratitude and say thanks for all the many blessings in your life.  Thank you my friends, my mom, my special connections of every kind, wishing you well today, tomorrow and forever.

Friday, 3 October 2014

Five years from now?...let's try to live in the now.

Where do you see yourself five years from now?  I can't get this out of my head as I was asked this question by someone who wanted to get to know me better.  All of a sudden I felt like I was being interviewed for a job.  I never even cared for this question on a professional level as I had to find a way to be true to myself, yet answer appropriately.  What I wanted to say is...I have no idea.  Life has shown me things can change instantly.  The journey has many twists and turns and spiritual teachings are about living in the now. You can set a goal, but only God knows 'the plan'.

Try as you may to be in control of your destiny, but the truth is you can't control it.  A coworker won a substantial amount of money and so however she answered that question on the yearly evaluations?...obviously had no bearing because she doesn't even work there anymore.  The loss of a spouse in another case triggered a chain of events that ultimately led to relocating to a different country, working for a different company.  A marriage ending for many brings about moving from their home, a home they envisioned living in for many years, possibly even the rest of their days.  What about a sudden diagnosis of a fatal illness?  Another life altering event.  Some choose to fight, others give up.  Do you even know what you would do if you were faced with such a decision?  An unexpected pregnancy, the company you've worked for has gone bankrupt, an accident has left you immobile, you met someone you would follow anywhere, even if it meant leaving your family, friends and your job.  If you go through a spiritual awakening, well that brings about many changes that you were not able to foresee.

How about the Holocaust, genocides, wars, natural disasters or an outbreak of a deadly virus?  The impact on your life is insurmountable.  The detours in life are endless.

I may know where I'd like to be five years from now, but I certainly can't 'see it'.  I can only do what is in my power - pray, create a vision board and even see a psychic or two, but in the end, until we are faced with a situation that is out of our control, will we then apply our free will.  I take some matters into my own hands and then each day as situations present themselves I ask for guidance and let go and let God, to show me the way.  Do I know what's in store five years from now?  I don't even know what's in store for me tomorrow.

Saturday, 27 September 2014

If only....

....I had more money, my child stopped suffering from illness, my husband would understand my needs, my parents were still alive, I found love.  We want something that will bring us happiness and I'm no exception.  There are people with fame and fortune continuously trying to teach us and show us how to find happiness within and then what do people say?...well they have it all, of course they're happy.  Not that I have fame and fortune, but I do it myself thru writing, trying my best to help others thru my own journey, but I have my moments like everyone else.  I think, ok if I can just have that one thing, all will be good in my world.  Some of us try to put into practice the teachings and after awhile we give up or something tragic happens and we lose faith.  I myself go in spurts.  I never completely give up and I never lose faith, but I do come close at times.  I almost lose my grip and fall off that cliff, but then before it's too late, I grab hold and pull myself up again.

No long ago I discovered how much I enjoy dancing again.  I connected with someone that was such a joy to go out with, he had such a passion for music that when we arrived at a club he could not help but move, and move he could, it made the experience that much better.  That fun was cut short after he took a second job and there was simply no time.  I know, I know, I always tell myself everything happens for a reason, that helps.  So how about friends?  Well as I get older my friends aren't all into the same things or they have their lives and there is not enough time.  It's also a challenge enjoying things I used to in my younger days when people my age no longer do.  I personally don't think there's anything wrong with it, heck I'd go out roller skating again if I could find someone as crazy as I am to join me.  Most people think it's only acceptable if you're going with your kid, otherwise you must be going thru some midlife crisis.  So back to the dancing, there are things I will do on my own, but going to a nightclub certainly is not one.  How frustrating it is when you want to do something, but you can't figure out how to do it and who you're doing it with does make a difference.  If only I had someone to share in some of my passions.  I have been writing about this one thing quite a lot lately because it's not going to go away.  When I see people that never give up on what they want and then get it, it keeps my dreams alive.  It's just making sure how you go about doing it.  So.....

Time for a mental check in - ok so this is where I'm at...again.  Deal with it, what choice do I have when it is out of my control.  Sitting around sulking, being angry or sad isn't going to do a damn thing so that's not an option.  Well ok, maybe for a day or two tops!...and then it's time to get over it and be content in the situation I am in, accept it once again, be friggin happy...and laugh at myself!  I do what I normally do - regroup, pray, meditate, go for a walk, go over all the things I have to be grateful for, write a blog and then treat myself to something.  We all have our own joys in life, some of us prefer to enjoy our own company as we crawl out of the darkness and others find comfort surrounded by friends and family.  Do your best to have no more than 20% unhappy moments and 80% happy ones, it's a mindset.  Our minds are something we do have control of.  Always remember you attract what you put out there in thoughts, words and actions.  It makes me happy to try and help no matter what kinda moment I'm in.

Saturday, 20 September 2014

Is it time yet? Is this 'the one' the timing is off.

Can't you just see it? Touch it, feel it, it's right there, right in front of you. It's 'the one' who seems like the perfect fit and you're so damn sure of it...but they're not.  Well maybe they are, but the timing is off.  It's not my present, but It has been my past.  Now I see others going through it and I sucks!  How frustrating when you're ready and they're not.  You see the potential, you imagine starting to build a relationship and you start seeing a future together.  The only problem is you're alone in your thoughts.  You're creating something that's in your mind and yours alone.  Okay so they're not ready now, so you wait and you keep on envisioning, thinking if you just hang in there they'll come around.  There's nothing wrong with manifesting, but create what you want and believe in it without directing it to 'the one' that isn't on the same page as you, because that will only lead to heartbreak, frustration and anger.  If they are meant to reconnect with you from a better place in their lives, they will.

I for one have difficulty getting angry, instead I end up hurt.  It's taken me a long time to realize it's all about timing.  Connections I have made have always had such promise and so I have hung on to sinking ships until I almost drowned.  No matter how difficult it was, I finally realized if they aren't ready, move on.  Give it some time, but it really doesn't take long to find out if a person wants what you do.  When we let it go on and on, we're stalling, hoping that change is right around the corner and then before we know it months, even years have passed us by.  Then what happens?...we get even more upset or angry that we just lost time we can't get back.

We are constantly told if we let him or her go something better lies ahead.  There's only one problem, we have to believe in something we can't see, feel or touch and the unknown is always scary, that's where faith comes in.  There is such a lack of faith that so many people are struggling more than they need to for longer than they need to because they are so afraid that if they give in to trying to control their destiny, everything will fall apart.  Control and fear do not add up to happiness.  We have hung on to someone that we can't accept isn't 'the one' and if we let them go we're terrified nothing better will come along and we'll end up alone.  We are suffering endlessly waiting for them to catch up, instead of going thru a quicker and shorter dose of pain by walking away and putting our trust in a higher power to unite us with 'the one' that is in sync with us and the timing is perfect.   If they don't come along right away, it might just mean you're not as ready as you thought you were.  If you accept that and the situation you're in, without fighting it and trying desperately to create an entire lifetime with the next 'one' that is just 'close enough' to what you want, I'll bet money on it that it'll be worth the wait.

Thank you that I am always at the right place at the right time with the right people and the right energy.  Whatever I need is already here and it is all for my highest good.  Thank you that everything happens in divine order.

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Questions...grrrr. Time for a rant...

Why do you want a relationship?  Why do you need a man?   Why don't you want to be single?  Why didn't you have children?  Why didn't you ever want children?  Can't you just enjoy being alone? Shouldn’t you just focus on yourself?  Don't you get tired of these types of questions?...I do.  There was a time I needed to be asked some hard questions and I'm grateful to the people that helped me along the way.  Then I had to ask myself those same questions.  I did lose myself in my marriage and I admit it, I depended on him for my happiness, that was years ago.  I took some time and worked on myself.  I enjoy time on my own, I can accept it, but it doesn't mean I want that forever.  There's a big difference between want and need and so I've been learning valuable lessons thru relationships.

My big lessons have been rejection and abandonment because they stem from childhood.  Now I ask, how do I learn and heal those wounds on my own?  - reject and abandon myself?  Yes I had healing to do on my own, but when I entered into a relationship, class was in session.  I have learned in different ways, thru different men, with different circumstances.  When the going got tough, one got going and I felt abandoned.  When another was aloof and didn't respond to an email or a text, I felt rejected, over and over again. No, I didn't learn quickly, but I eventually figured it out.  By being with these men, along with doing the work on myself, I later discovered these experiences were brought into my life to heal the wounds.

The mystery man who seemed to think he knew me after two weeks, said...'may I suggest you work on yourself rather than define yourself thru relationships.'  He had no desire for love and when I told my spiritual counsellor, Stacey, her response was...'the nerve, he's projecting!'  "Projection is a defense mechanism in which one attributes to others, one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts or emotions."   Now I see I have done some projecting myself in the past.  It's also interesting how Stacey looks into your DNA energy and apparently being in a relationship is part of my DNA.

With each lesson learned something amazing has happened - each man that follows the previous one has been more and more like me, similar interests, personality, that sort of thing.  Each connection is powerful in its own right and I went from learning after many years with one man, to less than a year with another and then four months.  I haven’t been looking, things have just happened because my guides bring me what I need in order to progress as a soul and I'm always open to that.  That man who barely knew me?  Well it was a fun few weeks of exchanging words, I found out quickly he didn’t want anything more than to play games, although he charmed me with his words.  I spoke my truth, he ended the connection and I, no longer, felt abandoned or rejected.

I enjoyed partnership when married - giving and receiving love, the conversations, cuddling and laughing while watching a movie, dinners, sharing what happened in our days, along with fun and adventurous travels.  I see happy couples walking hand and hand, kissing and yes I want that.  It's never perfect, I’ve had my share of struggles, but there are a lot of wonderful things that go along with sharing your life with another and with each experience the challenges haven’t been as intense because I’ve been learning along the way.  I find the people that question my need, I rather prefer, my want, are the ones that have no desire to enter into a relationship and so they question why I do.  Do I ask them why they feel the need to stay single?...I USED to.  Funny thing, as I worked on myself I realized it is not for me to question what other people want or don't want.  I listen and support their choices and I stopped asking why.  I still observe and when I question their decisions, now I keep those questions to myself, unless they ask for my input.  We all have enough work to do on ourselves without questioning others.  If you're asking for yourself instead of questioning my choices, then I'll be happy to oblige.

Friday, 5 September 2014

Do you know what you want?

We all have our own dreams, don't let anyone take them away from you or make you question them.  I know what I love madly, deeply and passionately with a man that is emotionally available, a commitment.  Your dream may be different from that of your friends, your mother or your father and that's okay, it's your dream and yours alone.

I asked the mysterious man I recently connected with...'were you ever going to divulge who you are?'  He replied..'there are no absolutes, therefore I can't answer definitely.'  My mother referenced in a letter..'I won't tell you why I cried so many times over the years, that's for you to figure out.'  The only games I want to play are the ones online, my life is not a game.  I choose not to participate in manipulation and the need for others to be in control. I have come too far on my journey to stop my progress for anyone. You either take a step forward, work with me or you're getting left behind.

Women tend to conform to what a man wants, they settle and they decide something is better than nothing.  I truly enjoy each connection, every interaction and I have learned that when I feel my needs aren't being met, I know it's time to look after me.  It doesn't necessarily mean the connections have discontinued, I have just been shown how to use boundaries and I am always grateful for the opportunity to learn.  In my case, the choices men have made has stemmed from fear, whether it's fear of commitment, afraid to make changes in their lives or getting too close and being vulnerable.  I'll borrow this line from a spiritual site..'To free our body from fear, what we need is the glorious experience of our soul.'

I can't live in some fantasy world where I believe my mother or some of the men I have been close to will magically do what I want them to, that's reality.  When anyone gets to an impasse in the road they have two choices, it's called free will.  If you choose opposite roads, then let them go.  If you stand still and choose neither, you're at a roadblock and if you stay there, the effects will come out somewhere, somehow.  We are not meant to be stagnant, that's why it's called a journey.  We all know if you choose the same road you will grow and evolve together, that's freedom.  You can be free within a relationship.  You have chosen the same path and if you are consciously aware, you're not going to lose your identity or yourself, it just means you're on a beautiful journey together to learn from each other.

I know what I want.  I want to believe in my dreams.  Dreams do come true.  Never, ever give up.