Thursday, 17 April 2014

Gary Zukav, then the man in darkness..lessons about love.


My life was seething with emotional pain.  A deep lack of self worth.  I was filled with anger, despair, arrogance, superiority.  These are all expressions of fear.  Underneath them is the pain of powerlessness of wanting to belong and not belonging, of wanting to love and not feeling you can love, of wanting to be loved and feeling unlovable.  Feeling ugly inside, so if people can see what's really going on in there, they would not want anything to do with you.  If someone told me then the world is a loving place, I would have said what world are you living in?  I realized what I needed was to be loved.  An interview with Gary Zukav.  

He goes on to describe his younger self as a macho punk with a chip on his shoulder.  His life later gave way to years of drifting and he secretly battled an addiction that would haunt him for years...sex addiction.  He would look for people that he could seduce and that would be exciting to him.  It was all to help him feel better about himself.  Any addiction, he continues, is to satisfy your emotional craving or to numb your pain.  If you recognize you have an addiction, then you must either choose to leave it as it is or to change, and if you change it, you change your life.  If even a small part of you decides to heal, that's when the Universe will back you up.  Change he did and 25 years ago he wrote Seat of the Soul, a book that touched me deeply.

As I watched this interview I began to have a greater understanding of the man I was once involved with, the man who sat in darkness, the one I have written about.  Do I think he is a sex addict?..no, but I do see similarities between these two men.   We stayed in touch to know he remained stuck with no desire to make changes.  From the beginning he stated he wasn't interested in relationships with anyone, but it was I that chose to believe in time we could see where our connection could take us.  We both felt the intense power between us, as Gary says..'every interaction you have is perfect for you and your spiritual growth and perfect for the spiritual growth of everyone you're interacting with given the wisdom of the choices that you've made.  Nothing is out of order...ever.'   

In my last session with Stacey, similar information was passed on.. 'the man you were involved with with meets women like yourself, to inspire him to change.  If those changes weren't possible, he wouldn't have connected with them.  He has willingly decided to stay where he is.'  On occasion, I would see in his eyes the pain he was hiding from, but without change within and love for himself, any attempt at a loving relationship would be under false pretenses.  You can hide from others, but you can't hide from yourself.   

There comes a time when you realize some people are to teach, all be it, it took a bit longer to figure out than it should have.  It taught me to be aware of a man that is not emotionally available and not continue to wait for change.  I was secretly hoping I would be his inspiration to change.  Never did I think I would get caught up in the moment, give into temptation as quick as I did.  Part of me wanted to be close to him again,  but I couldn't do it, the cost to my emotions would have been too high a price to pay.  

I can still look back and be proud that after a few visits, I realized I wasn't being true to myself.  This was a tough one, when we were together it was lovely, I was so tempted to go back, but as difficult as it was, I had to give up our weekends and the human touch I desperately wanted.  In exchange I regained my self-respect, self-worth and once again felt powerful, not a bad trade.  I had come too far to settle for anything less than someone who wants to make a commitment and to love all of me.  I expressed my gratitude by thanking him for reigniting my flame and showing me I am capable of the feelings he unleashed in me.

When asked what has been his biggest lesson in life, Gary replied...love.  Amazing things can be born out of love, Seat of the Soul is definitely one.  May the man in darkness learn to love, as I also see he has gifts to share with the world.

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Friday, 11 April 2014

The bond between my father and I, thru heaven and earth.

He said good morning to Stacey, a few hours before I arrived for my session.  A bond has developed between my father and Stacey, they are used to each others' energies.  The connection between them is the genuinuity.  She allows him to be himself.  She doesn't pass judgement or sugar coat anything.  She doesn't have boundaries, there is a trust.  He feels he can really connect to me thru Stacey, there is also no filter.  


When Stacey does her readings, she does them thru her guardian angels except when talking to someone on the other side, they're allowed to come in direct which makes them feel more comfortable.  I got hooked on Long Island Medium a few months back, talk about no filters!  The other side must feel comfortable with her, constantly using her as an open channel whether she's doing a reading or not. What an incredible gift to be given, to help so many people move on with their lives.  She seems to be a wonderful, warm person, just like Stacey.

My father never came thru this strong prior to meeting Stacey and I questioned why.  The answer, he was always present, but more reserved because of that person's energy.  Energies, they are not only felt between one another on the physical plane. Since Stacey, I have only experienced one other medium, Chris Stillar.  When he first told me he has no filter, I thought, perfect, and dad came thru with the same personality,  it was validating.  Chris could not believe the bond we have and how powerful his presence was given he had passed 33 years ago. It has also shown me, the more open I have become, the stronger our connection continues to grow.  

 In the end I feel the most comfortable with Stacey, seems my father and I found the perfect fit.   My curiosity continued...does my father actually see me?  Yes, he can see you, he can feel you and feel you emotionally.  He will continue to walk with you on your journey.

Sometimes the other side has been unsure what to make of Stacey at the onset, but in no time they begin to feel comfortable with her and then they can't stop talking!  They realize she's okay with whatever they want and they can be themselves. Whether we're here or in spirit, we should all just be our authentic self.  Spirit has so much to teach us. Goodnight dad, see ya in my dreams.

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Friday, 4 April 2014

One man's confession..part II..and more!


I have so much to say!  I was in the middle of a session with my spiritual counsellor, Stacey, and connecting with my father, when my phone went off, I was sure I had pressed the mute button.  I received a message from the man who confessed to me.  I was feeling good after my reading and it was followed by one of those favorable outcomes I get to enjoy.  He had read my blog before heading out on the road to meet the 'other' woman.  He began to feel bad, ill in fact.  His conscious kicked in, he followed his soul and at the last minute turned around and went back home.  He's not feeling quite as joyful as I am, but has made the first right decision.  Now it's time that he admits he needs further help.  Part of my learning...be supportive without being a savior.

The woman who was waiting for him?  She was angry and insulted by his weakness, yet it took strength to turn back.  What about, she was hurt, having been rejected.  Here's a man struggling, and she wants him...to only be thinking of her, with no regard towards his family.  Now she decides she wants nothing to do with him?!  She too needs help, I hope she wakes up one day and realizes her part in getting involved with a married man.    

Easy for me to be on the outside and see his whole world could've been blown apart for a woman that clearly has her own work to do.  Both need to understand, good does not come from hurting others.  If you're going to open a door, at least close the previous one.  There is so much change happening.  This week two more people I know are at a crossroads, one is leaving his wife, another going back to his.  Lessons are given to us, which ones do we choose and how deeply do we want to engage in them?  How do I learn and deal with my situations so all participants don't end up confused and angry?  Take responsibility for my role in it, open the dialogue, ask for guidance and then make a decision.

My reading with Stacey was everything I wanted and more, I surely don't have all the answers.  I continually ask for guidance when I'm ready to close a door.  Along with her help, my father also came through feisty and brought advice I had been asking for.  I was curious why he has connected to her as strongly as he has.  I'll save that for another day. For now, this is how my reading began...'2014 energy is about balance.  For those who are still willing to work hard and have not gotten completely frustrated by now, things will come up very nice summer into fall.   Eve, you are at a major crossroads of learning.'

Crossroads, yes I knew I too was there as I had posted a blog on the subject the day before my reading.  The timing of my session was perfect. And balance, a blog that I actually wrote weeks ago, but other topics have taken the forefront for the time being.   Decisions made at the crossroads, check.   Now I'm working on balance, in a peaceful way, not all lessons need to last quite so long.  Even those of us constantly learning need to come up for air every once in a while.

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Friday, 28 March 2014

At the crossroads..which path is the right one?


A few messages exchanged over time led to a confession.  But why did he choose me to open up to?  I’ve never met him, is it that I’m an outsider?  His marriage is stuck, but it is he who is also stuck.  His family has been his priority for many years, but he is tired and contemplating looking elsewhere to satisfy his needs.  Which path will he choose?  I faced the same crossroads in my first marriage, learning the hard way, not always making the wisest decisions.  Never reaching out, believing I had all the answers and not living thru my soul.  



I have since learned compassion and understanding, to not pass judgement, to listen, convey my experiences, while also not condoning one's behavior when I know it will have many repercussions.  I'm learning to stay unattached, protect myself, trying my best not to allow my energy to be drained, while being there for someone that is facing a life altering decision.
  

Many of us are at a crossroads.  When we're in it we don't always see it, we don't realize we have chosen lessons to grow and to elevate our souls.  There isn't a right or a wrong path, it's about making a choice about which lessons we want to learn.  With greater clarity as I age, I have no regrets, because I have learned from those choices I made. 

Challenges will never cease, but I want to continue to learn from the past and create a brighter future.  As I observe those at a crossroads at the mid point of their lives, if not even further, this is not the time I would want to make decisions that will hurt others. What comes around goes around, you reap what you sow, karma, and I don’t mean the good kind...no thanks, not what I want the second half of my life to look like.  When you're young you have time to learn some big ones, that's what growing up is about.  At the half way mark I don't want to cause pain, I want to learn more about how to elevate my soul through empowerment, love, compassion, and a desire to help others.  

I spent many years as 'a know it all' and now realize changes were taking place when I finally asked for help.  I know now God was showing me the way, but I had to act on the messages I unknowingly was receiving at the time.  Leaving matters in God's hands is to allow something bigger than me to look after what I have no control over.  When it pertains to my lessons, my own crossroads, I then ask God for help and do my best to follow through on the messages he is sending. When faced with a challenge, he wants us to walk thru our fears and be able to look back and understand we learned from it.  I know, it's not easy, and sometimes I also get tired of the lessons and just want to have fun for awhile.  Many of us are in this place right now, we need to hang in there, good will follow when we listen to our soul.

Before faith entered my life, I stayed stuck, now I continue to move forward and grow. Without learning from my own struggles I wouldn't be able to understand another person's battles.  Walking away with anger and frustration would not give me the opportunity to feel joy from favorable outcomes.  Saying a prayer for the man facing the crossroads…just may be another reason his confession found a path to me.  

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Friday, 21 March 2014

The proof that followed...Part II


I was suffocating in a constant state of worry and fear.  My mother's home was a disaster, I knew one day it would have to be gutted and there is no family to help in this endeavor. What would happen to her, the house and all the cats she had accumulated?  I tried to get help from authorities, but she cleverly kept them at bay and without her consent there was nothing more I could do.  It was too much, I couldn't deal with the thoughts anymore.  Once I found faith, I prayed and asked God to look after this matter for me.

We stopped communicating, she hit rock bottom and then had an awakening.  As a few more years passed, she stopped bringing cats into her home.  Then a flood backed up the sewage on her street, everyone's basement was destroyed and each one of them complained that insurance was not paying for it, except her.  She had the proper insurance in place and communicated with everyone respectfully, they were extremely helpful.  A crew came in, worked around the clock, gutted and renovated her basement, all was paid for.  This gave her the motivation to redo a few more rooms.  Not only did she find a man reasonably priced, he went above and beyond, scrubbing and cleaning before the major work began. 

Now half the house is finished, but she has one more trip to go on, a cruise which starts in Venus, a place she has wanted to revisit since her honeymoon.  I knew it was a setback to completing the job, having always had concerns about her spending habits, but I said nothing.  Travel has always been her passion, she was so excited and I didn't want to spoil it.  We have come so far, I wasn't going to let this come between us.  Again I let go of that worry and continued to pray, asking God to look after this matter.

Then the phone rang, my mother's words touched my soul as I held back the tears. She has taken responsibility and acknowledged the pain she has caused me in the past, not wanting to leave this life knowing I will have to deal with all of this.  I said thank you to my mom, thank you to God and I continue to trust all will be taken care of.  We are continually shown that God is here to help, sometimes in little ways and then there are big moments such as this that validate the power of prayer, allowing me to breathe once again.

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Friday, 14 March 2014

How I found my way to God.


You want proof God exists?  Show yourself God, give me something tangible and then I will believe.  I really thought the journey was supposed to be that easy....show me the answers first.  But I didn't go thru school with all the answers given to me before I wrote the exams.  I didn't know how to do my job efficiently right from the start.  What about all the parents who wish they had a manual on how to raise their children?  Through tough times and lessons learned, isn't that how we gain wisdom?  Finding your way to God doesn't come easily either.  Just because you believe in God doesn't exclude you from hardship, but once you see those times as gifts, you'll know you've arrived.  The difference I see in those with true faith is how they deal with the aftermath of their challenges.

How did my journey to God begin?  I was just ready for change.  I attended a health fair and connected to people involved in the holistic approach to healing.  It began with organics, supplements and a better diet.  Next, meditation classes, retreats, energy healing, followed by readings with mediums and various clairvoyants.  By getting myself on this path, meditating regularly and starting to ask the angels for guidance, I then asked my guides and family up above to show me the way.  I began to really listen to friends with faith instead of pushing them away and believe I attracted those people before I was even ready to accept it.  Next came prayer and a feeling of peace when my faith grew strong enough that I was able to leave matters in God's hands.  

Some grow up with faith, they don't know what it's like to not have it, I was not one of those people.  I didn't attend church, nor do I now.  What feels so powerful to me is that I still found my way to becoming a true believer.  I can't logically explain why that day arrived because you can't explain faith. Faith is not something you can sit down and convince someone of, it's simply not that easy, nor is it supposed to be.  My journey will not be the same as yours, it's the one thing that is unique about each one of us.  

Am I faced with non believers on a regular basis?  Yes!..and I find that interesting.  An opportunity to learn, thru trial and error, not to force my beliefs on them, but to convey my experiences, as we all can all use a little guidance.  Once I began writing I found it brought me the greatest joy so I continue to tell my stories.  Finding our purpose is one thing we all have in common.  I've been hesitant to write about God...what if people will think I've stopped being me and now live in an unrealistic world?  No, I'm still me, and here's the irony, I'm living more and more in reality as the days go by, letting creativity flow and just being real. 

I recently came across something I'd like to share...'Be quiet enough to hear God's voice so you can hear your own'.  Now it makes sense, meditation keeps me quiet, a triumph in itself!..also allowing my brain a time out and connect to source.  I have a story for next time that God IS looking after matters I put in his hands, it's proof enough for me.

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Friday, 7 March 2014

Piecing together a broken heart and a broken family.


My father holds a heart in his hand, broken in tiny pieces, he can't put it together.  This was the image shown to the first medium I went to, Sandy Wiltshire, six years ago. 'Everything is broken' was his message. Our relationship, his relationship with my mother, along with my mother and I having been estranged for years.  My grandparents raised me, yet once I left home I rarely looked back and grew distant from both of them before they passed...broken.  Unresolved issues between my mother and her father, his message to her was...'sorry I contributed to your ways of coping thru addiction'.  


If I hadn't begun this spiritual journey and found faith I was told I may have become very ill, harboring all this pain inside, leaving everything broken.  I cried all the way home while thanking all of my family for coming.  It was the beginning of releasing pain I never realized I had to that degree.  I eventually started to put the pieces back together, passing on messages from loved ones to my mother and healing our relationship.


Years later when I connected to Stacey, my father came thru stronger than ever and we have grown closer and closer thru heaven and earth.  If I hadn't begun this journey I also doubt I would be interested in visiting my father's homeland and Auschwitz, a place that forever changed him as I never thought twice about it throughout the first forty years of my life.  When I opened up and began searching for messages from my family, my life changed as well.  

The first messages I received were...'you are never alone and it was not your fault'.  In that session, my mother's father immediately came forward and took charge, always a leader he was and when it comes to organizing I came by it honestly.  It was he who dragged my father over to participate as he didn't quite know what to make of all this. My grandmother, the softest energy in the group, as she was here, blew lots of kisses and held a sign...'I love you' and she held Rosy, my yellow lab, letting me know they are all taking turns looking after her.

I am thankful to have awakened, to be open to receive messages from my family.  They have not only helped me, but I in turn have helped them on the other side.  I would have never thought that was even possible, I used to believe once someone dies, they're gone forever and the thought of death frightened me.  I didn't have faith nor did I believe souls can never die.  Since that day back in 2008 I became a believer that our connections are never broken and we can all heal the pain we acknowledge or even have buried deep inside.  I wish I could heal everyone's pain, as it has an effect on all our relationships, but it starts with you.

Sandy lost one of her daughters in a car accident and thru her search for answers, trying somehow to cope with her loss, her gift surfaced.  Not only was she able to connect with her daughter, they have worked together helping broken families that have lost loved ones, bringing them peace and helping them heal to continue on with their lives.  For me there are no kids, brothers, sisters, nieces or nephews, I am the end of the line, but I will leave this life with all the pieces of my heart put back together.

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